are you afraid of the deep dark woods?

This is an opportunity to feel normal again.

Oddly it seems as though we are back in the appropriate iteration of our Universe.  Win or lose, this one counts.

LEAST SIGNIFICANT

Ryan Malone went to hit Bortuzzo early and Bortuzzo turned away and put himself in a dangerous situation.  Nothing bad happened but it's still 2 minutes for boarding.  We don't miss you, Ryan.  Not even a little bit really.   We don't need someone at forward to make us feel the way Brooks Orpik does these days.

Penguins power play doesn't really do a lot.  One big chance early.  Maatta with a big ballsy slapper.  But nothing happens.  Then the Lightning proceed to make the Pens look confused.  Taylor Pyatt is still on shifts with Crosby.

There are no whistles, just a lot of up and down.

TAKE A DRINK AT 1:30?

Pyatts are brothers???? no one told us.

WELP

Filppula fell dramatically as he tried to get out of the way of Bortuzzo and apparently that's a penalty.  The way things are going, we're probably going to march to our doom.

Or at least we would be if it weren't for Zatkoff.

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The refs keep missing icing calls.  They call icing and then they realize they were super wrong because the puck was tipped in.  Drugs.

The period ends and we are left oddly feeling as if nothing ever happened.

There are two fucking Penguins named after Dan and his wife Mary Beth though so that's something.

IS THERE A PULSE

Right out of the gate, Sutter stole a puck from someone and skated into the slot and got a shot off.  Sutter's line actually has an offensive zone shift.  Circle it.  It really just happened.

This period is marginally more interesting; if the last period was watching paint dry, this is waiting in line at Six Flags for a roller coaster and then getting kicked out because of a mechanical problem.

Gudas and Glass almost eat each other in a cannibalistic fantasy.  Gudas is still jawing like an asshole.

SPECIAL TROPHY FOR MICROMANAGEMENT

Pens get another PP and Sid quickly changes his stick.  He "didn't like it."  A Lightning player broke his stick and the Pens got a shot off.

SWEETEST RELEASE

The Pens had to wind back into their own zone on the next shift and Malkin barreled the fuck in, in a way that Bobby would later describe as like a "wild bear."  Malkin outskated everyone and then slid a pass cross-ice to Sid.  Sid was ready.  That shot was disgusting.

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pure swag

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like.  When was the last time you remember being this excited about a power play goal in the second period?? Jesus

Pens get another PP which is going well until the officials screw up an offside call.  It's okay, we tried.

Steiggy brings up Bob Errey getting traded today in 1993 to Buffalo and Bobby talks about how sad he was.  Isn't that a little inappropriate?  I guess we brought Bobby home later so it's okay.  Officials then screw up a covered puck even though Zatkoff didn't have it frozen.

MOMENT EVERYONE "GOT TO THEIR GAME"

Pens get another PP and then everyone trips everyone else.  Neal for some reason gets called for tripping while being tripped.  Seriously.

The Pens seem like they have something going though.  Officials think everything is everything, the oneness of all concepts flowing deeply into a black hole.

Goc then apparently interferes with someone.  This is mayhem.

MOMENT THE GAME BECAME REAL, I GUESS

Lightning PP.  Filppula.  1-1

typical

Soon thereafter, Malkin and Neal have a 2-on-0 and don't score.  Doesn't that just always happen?  James Neal is working his Karma Points right now.

Great moment before second intermission: MAF and Sid having a very serious conversation as Zatkoff goes to the locker room and MAF spanks his bum.

THE THIRD PERIOD I DIDN'T SEE BECAUSE RCN NEW ENGLAND HAS FORSAKEN ME: "RESTING ON PRETTY" A PERFORMANCE PIECE BY SIDNEY CROSBY AND EVGENI MALKIN

Stamkos scored because he is too good.

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2-1

shit felt grim

Then the Pens get a PP and Sid returns Malkin's earlier favor with a disgusting pass.  Malkin buries it.  He is the prettiest:

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And we're back to normal.

Scuderi is apparently unloading shots from the point.  Mike Lange seems jammed about them.  This game is blacked out on Gamecenter and my Internet is dead so Mike Lange is really my only resource at the moment.

OH MY FUCKING GOD GENE IS STILL DOING THE THING

Gene decided he was about done with this shit and pulled his Cam Ward Play and everyone died and it was beautiful:

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he is actually trying to ascend

swoon

swoon swoooooon

3-2 Pens

NEVER MIND

Ondrej Palat did the thing.  Made Maatta look 19.  Or that's the impression I'm getting from Twitter and Mike Lange.

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3-3

It's going to OT, because there is no God in this cold uncaring universe.

MOMENT YOU THINK MAYBE THERE IS A GOD

My internet came back.  The Pens got a PP because Tampa Bay accidentally put 5 guys on during the 4 on 4 OT.

Seriously, service was restored just in time for me to see a James Neal one-timer.

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that woman in the background having a Moment is what hockey is all about.  James looks a little bit Christian Grey or something here we don't know it's not okay

 

Pens win 4-3.

We started slow but we clawed back up.

THESIS: "RESTING ON PRETTY"

Our favorite fashion blog is Tom & Lorenzo who are quick to criticize lazy fashion choices by beautiful girls by saying that they are "resting on pretty" and not trying with their fashion.

We kinda feel like the Pens are like this because Sid and Gene are amazing human beings but getting goals from the bottom six is still an issue.  If the Pens aren't winning the special teams battle, if the Pens aren't getting production out of Sidney Crosby (really the entire Pens first line has a tendency to win them games by virtue of the other nine forwards just not fucking up) they basically lose the game.

This is not a team that is built for a deep playoff run.  Let's see if Goc continues to provide some chemistry to the bottom six–but we're really not looking forward to seeing Taylor Pyatt taking shifts with the top 2 lines in a 7-game series.  Can't rest on pretty, even against teams like the Flyers and the Maple Leafs.  Do you want to get burned alive?  Do you want to see that?

Get some chemistry to the bottom six and this team is borderline unstoppable, but it'd suck dicks to see another great season from Crosby and Malkin fizzle into the playoffs.  Another series like the Bruins series or Flyers series would probably break us mentally.  In short: Marcel Goc (potentially) is saving the team.

Beau Bennett is on conditioning assignment in WB/S.  He'd be a welcome addition to the Penguins come playoff time.  Not *super* worried about the D to be honest but taking some weight off of Olli Maatta's shoulders would be huge.  And Rob Scuderi needs to get it together.  Brooks Orpik, we will take for what he is at this point in his life.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

CUTEST SMILE

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PLEASE FUCKING SIGN MY COPY OF TIGER BEAT OR SOMETHING

MOST EXCITED ABOUT THE GREAT DEAL HE CAN GET YOU ON THESE BIBLES

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brother steven

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Jeff Zatkoff – dat assist

2. Matt Niskanen – 24 minutes of ice time and an assist.  God he is going to be expensive to keep.

3. Ryan Callahan – wants $7 million for playing 16 minutes a night and not scoring good job team this is your pity star for being a stain Ryan Callahan

 

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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