caw caw motherfuckers

For what we can only assume are deeply occult reasons, the Red Wings requested that the Pens wear their home jerseys at the game tonight. The Big Bang was basically just proven, so you know, obviously this is all taking place in an alternate universe that is space and time’s deepest tire fire. 

So what do you do when the Immeasurable Unknown hands you a giant pile of horse shit and acts like you should show gratitude? In the immortal words of James St. James, “Put some glitter on it, honey, and go dancing.”

Warning: Blingees ahead.

LEAST LIKELY TO LIVE LONGER AS A RESULT OF HIS ACTIONS

Listen I made this blingee five trillion times and every time I saved it it was messed up like this for whatever reason. Let’s take it as an omen. As Alfredsson should.

Anyway, the scoring opens up in the first with Alfredsson leaning down and whispering “I open at the close” into MAF’s ear. 

Too bad he’s a billion and goals don’t add years to your life amirite lolololol I’m so sorry sometimes you have to go for the low hanging fruit.

MOST LIKELY TO BE FURTHERING THE BIRD AGENDA

If you know anything about America then you know that birds are on the top of the list of things citizens should be concerned about. We can only imagine that in this alternate universe birds have even more power and influence.

In the second period Franzen shoves Scuds, who goes down to the ice. The puck deflects off of Scuderi’s stick and into the net. Nyquist gets credit, and birds everywhere are mercilessly chirping their murder song into the wind. Earlier today Zoe and I were researching bird propaganda and we discovered this alarming video. Be warned. 

MOST SOOTHING TREATMENT FOR AN INFURIATING BIRD ATTACK
Guest Blingee from Bird Agenda Expert guest Long Tall Eddie.

Not everyone can be a Blingee expert but we admire the spirit and the obvious narrative.

Kunitz tries a wrister and Stempniak deflects it past Howard’s leg. You almost forget that the nightmare bird is watching, so all in all it’s a good thing. 

IN WHICH GENE DOES THE THING AND THEN DOES IT AGAIN

Within a little over two minutes Malkin cleans up some garbage and gets a goal and then chases it down with a second goal off a mean slapper. Tonight we imagine he’ll be pacing around in an empty room under a bare lightbulb, muttering in the mother tongue, and plotting. 

Note the nebulae reflected in their shades. Spoopy. 

CAW CAW CAW

Neal gets an nonsense penalty for moving a stick on the ice out of his way. ????//??/? Those birds are so fucking smug look at them this is dogshit.

THE POINT AT WHICH YOU JUST STARTED CRYING

Another own goal. We just want to be alone in our room.

BIGGEST TWIST

Not even going to Blingee this because they may need this photo for history books one day.

That tied it up for regulation. Unfortunately…

MOST TRAGIC EVENT OF YOUR ALREADY INCREDIBLY TRAGIC LIFE

aaaaaaaand with .04 seconds left in OT, a third owngoal seals our fate.

Caw caw motherfuckers. Caw caw.

INDIVIDUAL AWARD

For being the shittiest, most frustrating, and yet most mind numbingly tacky thing on the internet.

ALT THREE STARS
All blingees we had to rate while waiting for our blingees to load.

1.

We’re obviously familiar with this style. Also 100% Crazy. That’s full-on nutz. 

2.

So relaxing.

3.

Good use of flames A+++

Let’s get back to our universe next time okay because this one was too infested by birds. Honestly, so is ours, but at least we seem to be managing it here.
Go Pens.

Kim

About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.

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