ohhhhh

darkness is a blanket

We had no idea this game was on NBCSN.  This is going to be a long night.

As we all remember, the last time we played the Blackhawks was at Soldier Field and the Pens shat the bed.

That’s the thing about the outdoor games.  If you only wear that jersey the one time, and you lose the game, isn’t the jersey kind of Tainted?

Are we not tainted and filthy now.  Is this not the worst?

The Pens have lost three straight at home which is really not good this time of year.  The omens point us down, down, down into dim Carcosa.

MOST TERROR THAT MOST QUICKLY BECAME MOST SHRIEKING IN DISBELIEF

The pace to this game is killing us early.  The sentence enters your mind that the Hawks are too good, that maybe we should just start drinking now.

But then Neal and Bennett get a 2 on 1.  Bennett was going to the net which was enough to get Crawford excited, even though he had the shooter and Keith went down to block the pass.

we screamed. 1-0

Next puck drop, Stempniak flies down the wing while everyone is still reeling.  Whip of a shot and Crawford’s timing was way off.

2-0

Chicago had the better end of the play.  But motherfuckers we’re here.

After the goals, everything changes.  The Pens are coming hard with all 4 lines.  Who the hell are these people?  Bortuzzo then tries to murder people on the PK when the Pens take a penalty and it oddly feels like we have awakened a beast in our souls.

OUR SOULS HAVE BEEN TRANSFERRED

Pens get a PP early in the second.  The Hawks get obsessed and kill it pretty well.  But immediately take another penalty.  Pens don’t score on either of those. . .which is typical of this stage of our lives.

Blackhawks start pouring it on and Brooks Orpik and Shaw screen Fleury at the same time.  Also typical.

Brookbank, 2-1

some bullshit after that, and Orpik may have killed Jonathan Toews.  Toews to locker room after having his arm destroyed.  The hit was pretty borderline from most angles but he may have hit the head.  Luckily, head doesn’t look like what was hurt.

fuck, though.  Seriously.  Toews and Kane being out for the Blackhawks is pretty devastating.

The most hilarious thing that happened after that was Shaw hitting his own player when he went to hit Orpik after Sharp had already hit him.

Blessedly, we got out of the period.

MOST IMPENDING DOOM

Chicago comes out flying as usual.  Toews will not return.  You just feel like this is going to come back to bite the Pens.  MAF making big saves.

The best thing that happens to the Pens, after shift after shift of being hemmed in by Chicago, was that Crosby got a 2 on 1.  He actually got 2 cracks at it.

After that shift the Pens start getting it together a little more, and we are less terrified, but just barely.  Everything could happen at any minute.

MOST SWAGGER

Sid came down the wing on the far side and rifled one.  Bye.

how big is my dick right now.  Crawford looked totally handcuffed.  He elevated the puck perfectly after Keith went down.  Feels like Crawford has been scored on the last three shots he faced even though we know that isn’t true.

Chicago pulls Crawford with 1:47 left.  Knowing us, this could be dangerous.

Sid decided he’d had enough after Neal and Bennett missed the EN and he nailed it from center red.  The unearthly WOOOOO! birds are out at CONSOL.

Crosby has 36 fucking goals now and 99 points.  We’re done here.

Pens win, 4-1.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST PEOPLE WHO NEED JESUS

People who still think “MAF sucks.”

and the Boston media community for acting like the Orpik hit was the shot heard round the world or something.  Jesus H Christ like that hit has never happened before.  It was certainly dangerous, but we don’t see it as “dirty.”  Orpik probably should have eased up once he saw that Toews had his head down.  Plenty of time to adjust.  Orpik has been shitty all season, let’s be honest?

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Jayson Megna – giving him a star until he cracks the 10 minute mark in ice time again, what the fresh fuck?

2. Lee Stempniak – has settled right in

3. Olli Maatta – back bitches

The Blackhawks had a rough night.  We hope their panic isn’t too acute.  We feel really bad about Toews.  We’ve been there.

Suck it up.  Only a few left.

Go Pens.

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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