Bite-sized details about the other series going on, in case you are behind in your news and want our insight (obviously) (we are only figuring all of this out now by staring at NHL.com and unconsciously shoving sweet potato chips in our mouths):
Avalanche vs. Wild
We’ve already discussed the religious angle and devotional challenge that this series poses. We really like the Avalanche and think they are the best, so it’s hard to really go against them. We are wondering if this is part of a grander plan to test our faith, because the Wild are also being very blasphemous. These playoffs seem to have a hidden theme of babies doing things. In this case, a baby is “taking” the Stanley Cup:
We question the inclusion of the Cup itself on team apparel prior to winning the Cup. Did they run this past everyone at the Karma Division?
Anyway, Avs in 5.
Blackhawks vs. Blues
The Blues could become a tire fire in later rounds, but right now they are hanging admirably with the defending champs despite injury trouble and a 3OT thriller. Game 2 is in OT at press time. Seabrook attacked David Backes at the end of the game. No one wants Chicago to win the Cup again except Chicago fans. It would just be boring for all involved. Blues better take that shit in seven and spare us Patrick Kane’s neckbeard.
seriously nobody wants to see this
Ducks vs. Stars
The Stars are just happy to have made the playoffs. Everyone knows the Ducks are the better team, and a sentimental favorite due to Teemu’s farewell tour. We’re sorry Dallas but we have to follow our hearts into the mystical ice palace.
Sharks vs. Kings
Battle of California or something. Gotta root Sharks because the Kings got theirs and the Sharks have never won anything and we still worry about running into Joe Thornton in a dark alley and having him ask us why we haven’t made ourselves available to bring him Makers, rocks on the balcony during the offseason.
Bruins vs. Red Wings
MOTOR CITY DON’T STOP BELIEVIN’ GO WINGS GO GO WINGS GO
seriously fuck the Bruins
Lightning vs. Canadiens
The Lightning are down 2-0 in the series and they are literally eating a dick on this one.
I guess we do have to kind of feel for the Habs because it’s not like it’s THEIR fault that they’re assholes, per se, but dealing with the Quebecois media makes it extremely likely that they will BECOME assholes. So really it’s Quebec’s fault for breaking Carey Price and turning him into one of the most feared dudebro’s this side of the Mississippi. They are highly trained.
The Lightning have Stamkos but like. that’s about it. And Stamkos’s spirit was so injured after Game 1 that they were forced to rely on Teddy Purcell for offense. Let’s be honest: things are looking grim.
Rangers vs. Flyers
send the building into a dimensional rift so we don’t have to think about this please and thanks?
Really just nothing to even comment on. Thug City 2014.
awright so we hope you were taking notes
THE BLUES JUST WON IN OT PRAISE THE GODS
BUCKLE THE FUCK UP (BUT NOT YOUR BABY THE BABIES SHOULD BE LEFT AT HOME SAFE DURING WAR TIMES)