If you thought tonight’s game was boring as shit, you clearly weren’t watching close enough. Had you looked a little harder, you would have realized that the entire event was a simulation, organized by the league because Sidney Crosby “really wasn’t feeling it” and Kris Kunitz “needed some rum raisin” or he was “literally going to drown” himself.
So the gang bundled up, and hit the town to try to score some ice cream while the simulation ran against the Sabres, providing perfectly choreographed (yet boring enough to not arouse suspicion) hockey.
While the simulation was running FirstPeriod.exe, Tanner Glass was waiting at the street corner and doing jumping jacks, trying to keep warm while waiting for his part of the carpool to arrive. Sutter, who always looks like he could really use something highly caloric to eat, was running late because he hadn’t received the text and had shown up early at the arena like an idiot.
Meanwhile, the SimPenguins are being as boring as possible right out of the gate, just so no eyebrows are raised. If the league catches you running a simulation, you’re automatically suspended from the next two themed movie nights hosted at Gary’s house. And you just have to hope one of those nights isn’t 80s night, because those are seriously the best.
Flying under the radar.
SimKunitz gets a goal off of a rebound in the second period, but out there in the night, Malkin was leaning over the sneezeguard of the ice cream container, mumbling something about how “superman has no flavor, it’s vanilla. I don’t want vanilla.” His breath was fogging up the glass. The store clerk assumed that he was high and decided not to call the police because his friends had already paid for their treats, so they were at least paying customers.
The simulation is getting a little bit too boring when he checks in on it, so Sid kicks it up a few notches until SimGlass gets the puck to SimEngelland, who buries it.
Somehow Sid ended up talking to a local woman wearing a shirt astonishingly featuring both unicorns and wolves. She is hunched across the table from him, whispering something about the true meaning off Easter. Sid seemed engrossed.
MAF got sprinkles…just…everywhere. His simulated counterpart was, however, the star of the third period.
In fact, the empty net goal was happening just as the boys got it together and sleepily made it back to their cars, full of ice cream, and happy to have an early night in.
So all in all it was a pretty easy night for everyone. The boys got to sleep early, we got to multitask because the game wasn’t really worth focusing on, and now we can all cuddle up under our comforters and look forward to more exciting games.