fuck you guys: the winnipeg jets story

I rolled in with about 12:30 left in the second to discover that it was 3-3.  Sorry for my lateness, I was mystified by the fact that it was suddenly above freezing in Massachusetts.  It’s practically hoodie weather as opposed to “sitting inside feeling like you’re going to throw up while trying to get feeling back in your toes” weather.  The first play I’m able to pay attention to is Gene being back to his old self, by which we mean his bad old self, passing pucks to the opposing team when trying to make plays in the offensive zone.  Jesus, Gene.

Then Scuderi saved a goal.  GOD WE HATE THE JETS WHY IS THIS HAPPENING WHY ARE THEY EVEN HERE WHY ARE THEY A TEAM

Scoring summary so far:

1. Jacob Trouba super early on, duh it’s Jacob Trouba

2. End of the first, someone named Mark Scheifele 

3. GENE GENE GENE waiting for a replay I’m sure it was great.  2-1 atlantapeg 

4. James Neal PPG WOOOOOO 2-2

5. JAMES AGAIN BRB PREGNANT

6. ugh blake wheeler i mean YAY BLAKE WHEELER AMERICA!!!!! 3-3

Evgeni is on like a point per period pace.

Now we return to your game in progress. . .

BRIEFEST TIE DOMI INTERLUDE

We interview Tie Domi from 66’s inner circle and Bobby says that Tie has some “good lookin’ teeth.”  We use these teeth as our inspiration as the Pens get a good offensive zone shift and Jokinen finds himself in the slot.  Neal may have thought he touched it on the way in for the hattie but check your balls, Jimmy.  Jokinen’s goal.

everyone is so fucking happy

thanks, Tie Domi’s teeth, for this sparkling moment.

4-3 Pens.

p.s. Byfuglien sux

MOST SURPRISES

Engo appears to be back on D after playing wing last game.  We don’t understand his life.  In any way.  Who is this man?  Who could he be?

Gene then gets a penalty for hooking Byfuglien because he had too many feelings.  Despres is the scratch on defense today.  God Simon we miss you a lot we just have so many defensemen.  QUICK THOUGHT: is there a reason the Pens organization has such a glut of stud defensemen at any given time but we can’t draft a forward to save our lives?  Rejean has acquired great forwards through trades lately, but aside from gimme drafts like Sid and Gene and developing fourth liners like it’s the Pens’ job, when was the last time they drafted a forward that actually became anything?  Discuss in comments.  We think about this a lot when we lay awake at night.

Jets PP pisses us off.  The Jets in general piss us off.  We’ve never been to Winnipeg, but we kind of want to go just so we can be angry at the Jets and be incredibly cold in a masochistic way.  Surprise, we are full of righteous rage.

MOMENT YOU WEPT FOR AMERICA

Brooks Orpik coughed up the puck at his own blueline and Scuderi desperately tried to catch up with him, but Evander Kane was on a goddamn breakaway.  Nothing anyone could have done.  Except not dick around with the puck.  Brooks is probably going to have to eat a family to deal with this.

4-4

what is

MOST HIGHLY ANTICIPATED APPEARANCE OF THE GAME

Steiggy delights in mentioning the LONG STICK OF TOBY ENSTROM oh how we’ve missed discussing that (not)

brb

also with 17.8 left Evander Kane scores again.

5-4 bye

this third period is going to be nuclear

MOST SPIRITED

Wanted to get on your feet for an extended shift by the Pyatt line.  For some reason icing was waved off and they get to change, but Pyatt and Vitale had the Jets hemmed in for ages and Maatta almost buried it.  Jets were forced to ice the puck but for some reason the icing was waved off.  Dicks.

Neal line showed up to get busy and Jokinen almost scored again.  We hadn’t even thought of who the hump is in net for the Jets, it’s Al Montoya.  Welp, Al.

we need a goal.  just a goal.  come on assholes

BIGGEST TASTE

Jets with some classic turnovers.  Byfuglien might be the worst player in the NHL mistaken for a good one.  Neal shot it at the net and Gene parked by the net and knocked in the rebound.  YUM DELICIOUS baller

5-5

three players on HT watch, Neal, Kane, and Malkin.

BIGGEST GOAL I HAD SPOILED FOR ME BY TWITTER (AGAIN)

Gamecenter is a great product but it is always behind the live TV feed.

Off the draw, Crosby loses faceoff but Kunitz grabs it, back to Maatta, left side to Nisky.  Slapper.  look at the flex on his stick.  Jesus.  Saw it on Twitter before it happened–damn it.

6-5 Pens.

Niskanen feels the power.

MAF with a huge save a few minutes later on Devin Setoguchi and then Nealer almost got the hatty.  ugh james and ugh Jussi almost scored too.  Then some back and forth and turnovers and wow

LOOK AT TOBY ENSTROM HIS STICK LOOKS A FOOT TOO LONG FOR HIM

RIDICULOUS SAVES BY FLEURY ON LADD AND WHEELER HOLY FUCKING SHIT

help also Bobby apparently got to caress Gene’s stick in a sensual manner

Jets have an empty net.

47 seconds left and a timeout of some nature.  Jets have an offensive zone faceoff.  Neal just misses the empty net and the crowd goes OHHHHH.  icing tho

Jets tried real hard but they couldn’t get it in.  Scheifele got MAF to go down but he shot it wide.  SUCKS TO BE YOU

FUCK YOU GUYS

WE WIN

“fuck you guys” was going to be the title of this recap no matter what happened.  bye.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

WORST

The press, for making really boring photos available of this game immediately after so I don’t even have a photo of someone making a dumb face to create an award from you jerks

BEST

Congratulations to the greatest nation of Finland for winning gold over Sweden in overtime in the World Junior Championship–if it couldn’t be the USA we’re really really really glad it was you guys.  Keep on Finnin’ in 2014

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Jussi, for being sassy, also 8 motherfucking shots

2. MAF, for allowing 5 goals but being there when it counted

3. Dustin Byfuglien, for assisting on most of our goals

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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