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fuck your mother

You know what?  It’s puzzling.  It really is just puzzling.  The Penguins now basically have a reputation for spectacular chokejobs of a dizzying variety, and adding “giving up a 3-1 series lead to the Rangers” shouldn’t have been in the tea leaves, but god damn it, it is.  There’s a Game 7 for all the marbles, and the Penguins went from looking unbeatable to looking like a tire fire the last 2 games.  It’s the story of the 2013-14 season, particularly of this entire cruel spring, and we’re getting jammed up the butt with “narrative” while our enemies are sharpening knives in the corner.

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NBC DOESN’T WANT YOU TO FORGET: MARTY ST. LOUIS’S MOTHER IS DEAD.  YOU HEAR THAT?  BITCH IS DEAD.  HE SCORED ON MOTHER’S DAY.  GET THAT EMBROIDERED IN YOUR TEAR DUCTS WITH METALLIC THREAD.  God, how must St. Louis feel being asked about his mother constantly and having her death brought up repeatedly on national television?  There is really a point at which this becomes distasteful.

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Anyway, the Penguins managed to score their only goal of the game when Sutter was able to deflect a puck off of Kreider (I think).

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Not even going to fact check that because it’s meaningless.  This goal was proof that every living thing dies alone.

The Rangers scored two more and the Penguins couldn’t beat Lundqvist.  Really.  That’s literally all that happened.

Well, no.  Everyone also acted like little children.  Crosby slewfooted somebody.  Lundqvist squirted water or something.  There was shouting and pushing and silliness.  You know what it’s like watching a frustrated hockey team just dig themselves deeper and deeper.  They got four power plays, at least two of which were alarmingly timely, but absolutely nothing happened.

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just watch and let your feelings overwhelm you.  Going to purgatory, or even hell, doesn’t feel like fire and brimstone or being eternally trapped, it basically feels like slipping off to shameful sleep.

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Mats Zuccarello can be such a cock stain.  We want to publish a 300-page treatise on the ways in which Mats Zuccarello is a cock stain, but to be fair we’d have to publish similarly long documents about everyone else on both the Penguins and the Rangers being cock stains, specifically during this game, and it sounds like a lot of work for us outside of a dedicated program for graduate credit.

Everyone is going to talk about how MSG and its fans gave the Rangers the lift they needed to jump out ahead in this game, but we’ve seen the Penguins silence crowds before.

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This guy is probably going home feeling like he won the game, too.  Damn, don’t we know how that feels, buddy.

Kris Letang spilled unicorn blood at the end of the game in a divine sacrifice to Our Lord, a last ditch effort to somehow birth the satanic child of a Fenwick chart and a ghost.

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Even a scolding from Dad couldn’t restore decency to the proceedings.

Play your night out with some Violent Femmes.  Get angsty.  Tuesday is going to be a rough one.

You never tell on someone.




go pens. goodnight fallen angels


About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.