This game was basically one ginormous dry hump that ended surprisingly well. I had a lot more to say but I lost my post draft in highly dramatic fashion. That’s all my game notes. All of them. I know WordPress wouldn’t fuck me like this, but we don’t have it yet. Patience.
- We are still not used to having the Blue Jackets as our “division rivals.” The fighting and shenanigans seemed indicative of that, yet we felt no hate in our souls.
- There is something vaguely erotic about the friendship/subtext as discussed in the media about Sidney Crosby and Jack Johnson. We felt like every Crosby-on-Johnson moment in the game was just part of some elaborate narrative foreplay. You can take that to be as metaphorical or literal as you wish. We just think it is a little kinky.
- The Penguins, yet again, had a ridiculous amount of power play time in this game (about eight minutes overall) and still couldn’t score. Hence, our description of this game as a dry hump. On the couch. And dad’s home in the kitchen, too. It was like they were trying not to get caught.
- Chris Kunitz, Olympic Gold Medalist, did the thing he’s been doing for awhile and just kept on saving the team. His goal seemed to come out of nowhere. Just like that, the Pens had a chance. It felt like such a long time since they’d been in the lead.
- Beau Bennett played a hell of a game. He immediately became one of the Penguins’ most dynamic forwards as soon as he took the ice at Nationwide and he was rewarded with a little 2 on 1 goal. Bortuzzo’s face in this is that of a ravenous baby pterodactyl:
Up 2-0 with under 9 minutes to go in the third felt pretty good.
- The Jackets came back. Of course they did. Wisniewski scored on the PP. But nothing further came of it, and the Pens secured the points they needed to secure their spot in the playoff dance. Whether that dance is going to be a bloodbath, a mental health crisis, or just a particularly dramatic night at the opera remains to be seen.
- Olli Maatta was a healthy scratch and we were okay with it. Goc is probs hurt a bit. Bennett’s return to the ice made us feel somehow that with all of this bullshit, we may have done something cosmically right.
PERSON WE THOUGHT WAS GOING TO SCORE IN LIKE THE SECOND PERIOD BUT THEN HE DIDN’T
PERSON WHO APPEARS TO BE IN THE MOST PAIN
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. uh, duh. Beau frigging Bennett.
2. Jayson Megna, this is our reverse Amber Alert for you, because we swear to god we have no idea why your TOI was like eight fucking minutes this game. Whose daughter did you do it doggy style with in the back of a Cadillac? We are asking. We are asking if you need help.
3. uhhh. Bortuzzo? The assist and being a pterodactyl, less so the fight, but whatever, DIVISION RIVALRYYYY!!!!!
Can you tell that we’re already in “shut the fuck up and drop the puck for the playoffs already so we can go to our dooms like warriors” mode?
These last games are meaningless in terms of the standings but everything in terms of whether this ragtag group of jerks can look even remotely ready for anything beyond the first round.
Then again, we’re supposedly getting some people back from injury.
Also, today begins the 7 day countdown to our next great adventure. We are excited. You should be too.