in which my twitter account and i watch the fucking game like always and then i fall asleep

It’s too late at night to deal with ROOT Sports.  We love Bob Errey with our whole hearts until the universe implodes, but Steiggy is just getting progressively more out of control.  The whole Penguins fanboy thing is generally getting really tired especially when we’re all aware that we’re dealing with a team to which inconsistency goes endemically hand-in-hand with overwhelming talent.

DARRYL IS BRANDON SUTTER’S UNCLE.  TAKE A DRINK.

the horror

let’s move on…

MOST IMAGINARY PERSECUTION

Steiggy is like, so hurt inside that Kris Letang is scratched.  He might be sick.  It also might be so Bort can play in front of his mama.  Either way, we really no longer bat an eye when anything happens around Kris Letang (nuclear warfare, broken hearts, hair gel shoplifted from Walgreens), and nor should any well-adjusted adult.

While we were musing about everyone’s feelings, the Kings shit the bed in front of JQuick.

 

Malkin. 1-0. layup. easiest goal of his life. ohnokings.ytmnd.com.  Poor Kings fans.  weep for America.

MOST FEAR

Everyone is already talking about the Kings’ scoring woes.

Don’t you fucking jinx this shit Rob Rossi:

image

Bob Errey extolls the beauty of the Penguins’ breakout and quickness and apparently Zatkoff has yet to have to make a save.  Listen, don’t get too cocky.  Listen.  If any team is going to completely lose their shit and let the Kings score 8 goals it’d be the Pens.  maybe not now, maybe not this decade, but it will happen.

ugh then I got this:

image

BAD NEWS

Zatkoff finally makes a couple saves.

The game is Real now.  We will certify it as real.  Let’s move on.

Kunitz then takes a penalty immediately after his mom is interviewed.  So this could be the beginning of the end.

MOST DOOM

ROOT shows an awkward shaky zoom-in on Penny Kunitz again.  Kings pass a little bit and everyone is disoriented because they keep losing their sticks.  Sutter then went to go get his stick in the corner for some reason after he lost it and Kopitar made a ridiculous gorgeous Slovenian shot.

1-1

pure euro sex

LEAST LIKELY TO 

Two Kings decide that they can’t stand Malkin being so goddamn talented and take penalties on him.  In most NHL games both of those things don’t get called at the same time.  Weird.

The 5-on-3 gets all excited.  They’re trying to set Neal up for a perfect one-timer but Willie Mitchell has his number.

So they set up Kunitz again.  Pass again from Jokinen.  Jussi is flying under the radar as a dark horse MVP for the Pens (aside from the obvious, of course).

Penny is all kinds of luck.  We weren’t expecting this.  We were expecting all kinds of blocked one-timers.  Leave it to Olympian Chris Kunitz to get creative.

oh and we still have some PP time.

BIGGEST DICK

Jussi sniped it on the remaining PP time.  oh

 

ginormous Finnish swagger

3-1

DO NOT JINX THIS SHUT UP TWITTER

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because it isn’t the first period still or anything

then Sid high sticks Kopitar.  Olympian-on-Olympian violence.  nothing happens though.  Then Doughty takes a penalty.  Everyone is determined to make this a special teams battle, which means the Kings are in trouble.

Kings fans continue to melt down on the Internet.  Period ends.

LATEST

dude the second just started and it’s almost midnight this is bullshit

the Kings apparently made a goalie change?

we don’t know who he is

I FELL ASLEEP SITTING UP DURING THE SECOND AND WOKE UP TO TANNER GLASS STREAKING DOWN THE WING

 

… Did anything happen in the third? I don't know. I was curled up gently against my Nexus and my cat. Hockey beat me. The omens didn't come true. The Pens rolled over a team that is struggling to breathe, just like we always assume they are supposed to. We are sorry Kings fans. we didn't think we had it in us because we are bitter hags who expect the worst. But we were not broken or denied.

It probably would have been better for everyone if Kopitar's goal caused more tension. Maybe next time. Pens win.

The bottom six or at least Tanner Glass is slowly picking up from the frat house floor and peeling the Cheez Its from their flesh. Maybe.

 

The Kris Letang conspiracy runs deep today, with no one apparently talking about why he was scratched.  Rob Rossi wrote this this morning.  Plan your tin foil hats accordingly.

 

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

Jeff – apparently he made some stops in the third yeah??

Tanner – because

Kopitar – poor baby

We did it. Sorry for the late recap but I woke up at 2:45AM thirsty and confused with the ceiling light on and I didn't think I could deliver quality content. Because that is what this blog is about clearly. Quality. Love you. Good afternoon.  This is the first free moment I've had at my desk all day to finish this shit. Go pens.

P.S. INDIVIDUAL AWARD: CAN WE PLEASE HAVE A BUDDY COP FLICK STARRING ROB SCUDERI AND JARRETT STOLL ON THE MEAN STREETS OF LA CIRCA 1988?  YES.  OKAY.  FILMING BEGINS NOW.  YOU'RE WELCOME

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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