Who’s that cruising at the bottom of the Atlantic, flopping around in pain occasionally, but mostly just silently swaying like a soggy corpse with concrete shoes? Why, it’s the Sabres, of course!
Sometimes teams wake up and grab at your ankles, zombie like, while you are wading around feeling safe. It’s always a possibility that you have to look out for.
Watch where ya step, boys. Don’t get cocky.
MOST IN NEED OF A TETANUS SHOT
Everything starts out pretty familiar. Some general miscommunication from the Penguins leads to a vomitted chance by the Sabres. Zolnierczyk gets tripped up by Sulzer, leading to an uninspired PP by the Pens.
It doesn’t take long for the Sabres to lodge themselves squarely into the soft flesh in the arch of our foot as Stafford picks up some Sabres trash around our net. It’s ugly.
MOST ONE SIDED SEXUAL TENSION
The Sabres start acting like a little boy who has become convinced that the way to show Sally he loves her is to be a petulant little shit. Zolnierczky takes a mean hit from Ott and heads down the runway. Engo tries to defend his honor but Ott isn’t ready for big boy love yet.
Scott steps in minutes later to show that the Sabres are ready to take it to the next level. Engo doesn’t try all that hard. We’d say “just make out already” but it’s clear the Penguins aren’t interested.
FIRST THING TO MAKE SENSE ALL NIGHT
Crosby and Adams put their noses to the grindstone to serve the puck up to Zolnierczyk. He gets it over the blocker and ties the game. Phew.
MOMENT YOU RENEWED YOU MEMBERSHIP TO THE CHURCH OF SID
Shortly into the second, Sid absolutely undresses the Sabres D and sends a wrister right past Miller, seemingly without even thinking about it. Why would he?
Oh hey, remember Evgeni Malkin? You sure as hell do after his grabs the puck from the defensive zone, creates a breakaway out of thin air, and gets an unassisted goal as casually as deciding to get extra sprinkles at Pinkberry. Malks always gets extra sprinkles.
WHEN YOU REALIZED THE WATER WAS PRETTY SAFE TO WADE IN
The likelihood of Zombie!Sabres fades pretty quickly in the third when Gibbons lasers one past Miller off a faceoff play from Sutter. A 4-1 lead makes this game pretty much over.
LEAST APPROPRIATE TIME FOR A MORTAL KOMBAT REFERENCE
We want to make some kind of fun “Finsh Him!” joke about the goal Neal slams past Miller after some on point play with Malks, but really this was all finished quite some time ago. Eh.
Sure. Why not.
ALT THREE STARS
Malks – Always good to see ya
Zolnierczyk – For working dat ass off. Typing your name is starting to seem less like something that leads to five minutes of staring at my keyboard going “really?”
Miller – thx.
So that was basically everything it was expected to be. Nothing too wild, nothing too interesting. We’re in the long haul and games like this are just kind of flies hovering near our pasta salad.
But a win is a win and we will always take it, because those reaching zombie teams are never fun.
Our hearts are with the Sabres now that Mike Weber has floated away into the atmosphere.
Love thy hockey brethren in their times of need.
But mostly, Go Pens.