Late night hockey can be trying for us poor east coast bastards. We swap out our liquor for coffee with liquor and pray that our poor little souls can keep it together late enough to follow what is happening on the ice. Petition to transport all east coast fans to the west coast for games with our teams?
Are there any bored millionaires out there who would accept the payment of watching us eat a banana in slow motion? No? Ugh. Load the streams and pour the coffee, it’s gonna be a late night with the Sharks.
MOST LIKELY TO DROP A SINGLE
Sid warms up for the game by looking notably existential against a black curtain. The camera man next asks him to be a tiger. Sid looks him dead in the eyes and says “I already am.” The man is still yelling “now be a sexual rocket! Yeah!” as Sid walks off. This one will definitely make the album cover.
Nothing is really going on here. Raffi Tores is keeping busy being ginger somewhere. Brooks blocks a wrister from Tommy Wingels , whose name makes him sound like a man in witness protection after testifying against the Yakuza and now residing in Egg Harbor, Wisconsin.
Despres gets a shot off an offensive zone faceoff and Niemi deflects it out of play. You think we haven’t seen hockey before, Niemi? Oh, we’ve seen hockey, honey. Tons of hockey. Don’t you worry about us.
MOST NOTICEABLE ADDITION
Goc gets a cute pass to Glass, who takes a chance. Niemi says no, but Maatta is there to crash the net and pick up the trash.
Goc is popping up here and there on the ice and making it clear he is Here For Us. That little pass got him the assist, and really made the whole play possible.
Not to tell Stempniak that he is the least noticeable of the new guys, but hey, there’s only a first and last place in this situation.
What’s that? You wanted a side of Olli Maatta nightmares?
Souls are to be inserted directly into his mouth.
It was so fast that blinking would have obscured it, but Malkin quickly snapped up the puck from Hannan in the Sharks’ zone, taps it to Kunitz smooth as can be, and Kunitz in turn snaps it into the net.
Geesh. We’ll buy Plan B in bulk next time.
The Sharks were still playing dead for most of the second period, but slowly and surely they somehow gained dominance. Towards the end, they cashed in while we were still feeling pretty good.
The con continues into the third, unfortunately, when Marleau undresses Malkin and gets the puck into the net to tie it up. Sid is weirdly behind on the play, still suffering from the false sense of security the Sharks instilled early on.
MOST SUDDEN REALIZATION
Fortunately the con is off now. The Penguins have totally caught on to the fact that they were being played, if only because of the sudden consistent deafening level of the Sharks crowd. Credit where credit is due, them bitches is loud.
20 seconds after the tie-up, Sutter makes a really pretty pass to Maatta (WHO IS A GODDAMN TREASURE), who gets it into the net.
HOLY GODDAMN SHIT
Seconds later the Sharks capitalize on a turnover by Gibbons. It’s also Gibbons who doesn’t cover Burns in front of the net. This game has gotten way too intense for how late at night it is.
You guys I have had too much coffee and my cat just sneezed and I screamed with a level of terror typically reserved for witnessing the homicide of a loved one. This game is working on my nerves. I hope you are all okay.
LEAST HAPPY ACCIDENT
The Sharks take the lead with five and a half to go on the clock when Thorton throws a puck at the net that should never go in, but does. Zatkoff looks sad. We want to give him hugs and whisper that we still love him but that was not okay.
The goal ends up being the nail in our coffin, an empty net goal from the Sharks only adding insult to injury.
PERSON WE’RE STILL UNSURE ABOUT MEETING IN A DARK ALLEY
Are you attractive or just so scary that we’re too afraid to think otherwise? Either way, wtf are you doing scoring goals against us?
ALT THREE STARS
1. Maatta’s mamma, for making him exist.
2. Full-sized coffee pots, because Keurigs can’t get us through games this fucking late what are we supposed to do like run to the kitchen 47 times?
3. The unrelenting human spirit. Because goddamnit we can’t wait for tomorrow night to do it all over again.
Oh my god it’s bed time.