it’s a pretty bad place outside this door

Somehow, Jeff Jimerson makes "O Canada!" sound less repulsive than it normally would be in these tough times.  PK Subban is doing a fucking jig during the Canadian anthem.  And a lingering shot of Sidney Crosby seals the deal.  This is going to be a difficult and emotional evening.  During the US anthem, Dan Bylsma is looking to the digital flags on the scoreboard as if mesmerized by his father's orders to go to war with an unstoppable evil.

Budaj starts.  Let's go.

MOST HAIR POWER

Gallagher lost his helmet and the next shift he took, he managed (ha) to get Brooks Orpik and Chuck Kobasew trapped in their own end.  Brendan harnessed the power of his hair to make that happen.  Didn't give up on the play.  No idea what Brooks was doing on that shift.

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1-0 Habs

the hair power balance is shifting sans Kris Letang obviously.

Bob Errey has an aneurysm about Brian Gibbons after a commercial break so we are not panicking.

NEVER MIND SOMEONE ELSE BROUGHT THEIR HAIR GAME TODAY

James Neal decides to pick up the hair metaphor slack in this post-Olympic haze and score a goal.  PK Subban looks like he's over it.  Total snipejob.

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1-1

Bob Errey channels our feelings by speaking glowingly of Olli Maatta like a proud parent after the TV timeout.

Neal almost scored again after some nonsense.  Neal and Gene are dialed the fuck in and ready to eat the Habs' souls.

We might finally be coming around to the NHL, you know.  It's refreshing to watch a decent hockey game while also not fearing that the result might end your life.

MOST BEAUTIFUL SNIPEJOB

So yeah, Carey Price's gold medal resulted in a lower body injury which resulted in Peter Budaj.  We could have seen the Beautiful Dustin Tokarski tonight, but we still could.  As loathe as we are to talk about any of Carey's skills we're pretty sure he wouldn't have gotten sniped by Deryk Engelland.

Neal fed Engo and Engo buried it coming down the right wing.  Sure.

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2-1

If you are telling people you didn't shriek, you're lying.

During intermission, James reveals how strong his hair game really is.  POTASH LITERALLY SAID "THE HAIR STILL LOOKS GOOD."  THIS IS NOT A DRILL.  

MOST AVERAGE DAY AT THE OFFICE

Pens come back for the second period, don't score on the power play, and everything just seems average.  Didn't take long to get us back to being. . .well, typical.

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Briere tied it 2-2 after the Pens defense just took a trip t the mall and let the corpse run amok in our house.  Come on.

MOST LIKELY TO BE A BEAUTIFUL HUMAN BEING (HE IS)

The Pens get a power play and run it with gorgeous, gracious movement.  Budaj is somehow equal to the task.  Second unit looks deadly and Maatta buries one from way up high.

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3-2 Olympians

MOST LIKELY TO BE A BEAUTIFUL GOAL BY SOMEONE WE DON'T WANT TO CARE ABOUT RIGHT NOW

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dammit Pacioretty.

hell of a shot

3-3

PERSON WHOSE SKULL WE MISS THE MOST

Douglas Murray totally crashing in the boards and losing his helmet on the PK.  Everyone was rushing in on that on the boards, for like half a minute.  Malkin and Gorges almost killed each other and Sid came in like a wrecking ball on Murray, who lost his helmet and released his own hair game.  This game is getting brutal and exciting and angry.

THING OLLI MAATTA MINDS THE LEAST

Potash jokes with Olli about how hard his shot is and Olli says he "doesn't mind it."

Murray's giant skull makes an appearance again just a minute into the third when it tries to take out Gibbons.  Presumably Maatta minds that.  presumably everyone minds it.  

The puck then ended up after a Maatta shot in Markov's knee pad.  A dar and dangerous place.  We mind.  Excuse you.

HEY MOM THE BOYS ARE HOME

Subban and Malkin get into it and Malkin has Feelings at Subban.  Have to think that Subban was embellishing but maybe we're assholes.  You'd think that Paul Steigerwald would have accused him of it in true fanboy fashion.  Whatever.  We're over it.  Gene, you have to get your feelings under control.  We know you're still upset about the Olympics.

Typical behavior from both of these guys.  Subban being a dick and Malkin's heart on his sleeve.

MOMENT JUSTICE WAS DELIVERED AT YOUR FEET AND QUICKLY SNATCHED AWAY

Subban tried to get too fancy on the PP and was out for way too long a shift.  Sutter completely stole the puck from him, smoked him on speed, and flipped one past Budaj.  That's how you do a fucking shorty breakaway.

4-3 

That's how you. . . . . .

then the Habs tied it????

k

4-4

and then it's 4 on 4 in some kind of cruel irony

Subban has apparently been benched by Therrien.  We approve, tbh.  Everyone could benefit from some "bad cop" coaching every now and again.  The pace of this game is starting to hurt, though.  Lots of up and down.  Lots of shouting.  The Habs take another penalty for being assholes.

PERSON WE ARE MOST HAPPY TO HAVE ON OUR SIDE AGAIN

god damn son, Crosby on the PP.

5-4.  That was beautiful.  Don't take it for granted, because. . .

LEAST LIKELY TO EVER CATCH A BREAK

Emelin got hit by Tanner Glass for a completely legal check and Emelin hits himself in the face with his own stick.  Apparently that's a major penalty.  Stupid call.  What is this, the Olympics?

Skate out Briere's corpse just to taunt us.

5-5

what. why.  excuse you.  excuse everyone.

is there a reason why we can't just be done with this in regulation?

I want to watch Pretty Little Liars before bed.

MOST SURPRISE

OT had been going on for almost 2 minutes before I realized the game was back on.  I'm blinded by rage apparently.

Pacioretty almost scores twice in the last 40 seconds of OT but Fleury is equal to this challenge.

And oddly, this might be the only game in years that we think is actually deserving of a shootout.  Cut it off at the balls.  Skills competition.  go to bed.

Budaj stands up on Neal who comes in with angry speed.  Nope.

Lars Eller comes in as some Pens fan screams YOU SUCK.  Nope.

Budaj stops Sid.

Desharnais scores.  welp

Gene shoots it at the pads of Budaj.

So.

we. . .lost?

I guess?

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

 

PRETTIEST HAIR ACCESSORIES

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we think James should wear this in his hair.  courtesy of Rookie's article by wolfpupy on how to have an awesome teen girl life.  Which is basically our life philosophy at this point.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. bb Olli

2. Brandon

3. Budaj since he was basically the reason his team won, why not the real star, Pittsburgh media???

The Stadium game is on Saturday and our bodies are really not ready.  go pens

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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