This game is obviously more or less overshadowed by the upcoming Olympics and the tragic news that Kris Letang had suffered a stroke. Some shrill demon sang the anthem, a non-Jimerson interloper. Let's just get this over with and go out with a bang so we can focus on shit like human rights violations and Canadians complaining that Crosby is their captain for some reason. Also, the USA and how its selection process has been clouded by injuries and stupid comments by Brian Burke. God. Is it weird that we already feel like these Olympics are bad news? Because everything has really just been bad news. In case you missed it, here is our writeup of things you should be reading about Sochi that aren't related to toilets.
MOST LIKELY TO BE ON YOUR RINKOTOLOGY ROSTER FOR NORWAY
Mats Zuccarello puts a puck on net. Fleury is trying to freeze with the tippy tip of his skate blade at the post. Pouliot tapped it home.
1-0. about a minute in. Fleury really didn't have it frozen.
Fact: Mats Zuccarello is like the main Norwegian in the NHL. In fact he's the only one currently active. Other solid pick if you're playing Rinko include Sondre Olden who was drafted by the Leafs in 2010, and former NHLers Ole-Kristian Tollefsen and Patrick Thoresen. This ends the PH Free Advice Hour. For now.
MOST INTENSE OLYMPIAN ON OLYMPIAN VIOLENCE
great tribute at CONSOL to departing Olympians. Shortly thereafter Crosby escaped the Rangers' anemic defense and got a break on Lundqvist but he was stopped handily. That was briefly horrifying.
Apparently Chris Kunitz has 199 career goals. And the Pens are on the PP for whatever reason. No explanation was provided other than it was Hagelin's fault. Bobby reminded Kunitz that he is gunning for 200 which almost guarantees that he won't get it.
Crosby, Malkin, and Jokinen do some ridiculous passing but no dice. Finally, they get Lundqvist leaning to his left. Olli Maatta jumps up out of nowhere to put it home. and THAT is your most intense Olympian-on-Olympian violence. Brutal. Beautiful. Disgusting.
The rest of the period we're just thinking about the future.
NOTHING TO SEE HERE
Rangers get a PP within 30 seconds of the period opening, and then cash in in 4 seconds. Dan Girardi. Oh, okay, that's fine.
Former PH Intern Ann's soulmate, Dan Carcillo, is on the ice for the Rangers. We had no idea!
A little bit later Brooks Orpik goes off for interference. Pens kill it though. And then get a PP of their own.
AND THEN I FUCKING DIED
Malkin and Neal play catch. Everyone is all over Neal with the impression that he is the sharpshooter. Then Malkin winds up and blasts one.
MOST FUCKING DRAMA
after some bullshit and an almost-chance by Fat Rick the Pens get another PP. Hagelin hooked Neal after that and Neal was called for embellishment. Everyone is just crying about it. Pens retain their 5 on 4.
Pens have an almost sure chance with Crosby at the side of a wide open net, but somehow it stops. Possibly due to AMERICAN HERO RYAN MCDONAGH. In an ensuing scrum, Kunitz lays a backhand on some unsuspecting human. Yep, that's probably a penalty. It is probably the difference that earns the Rangers a PP. This is just a MetroShitshow.
Back to evens soon enough though.
THE LONGEST MARCH
It seems like a lot is happening but somehow we just want it to be over.
Pouliot scores a PPG for the Rangers, and it's 3-2
You're beginning to think of taking up crochet and drinking at the same time when the Pens finally make that shit happen. Olli Matta does a ridiculous amazing thing by taking a hit in the corner and making a perfect pass to a magically wide open James Neal.
Honestly, we didn't see that coming. Olli is some kind of god.
OT is too busy to even contemplate. Sutter had a semi-break but shot it wide. Steiggy called Mats a waterbug.
The shootout is next and with our luck, it'll be a long one. Steiggy drops the stat that MAF has stopped 15 straight shootout attempts by the Rangers. Do not jinx this, Paul.
Jokinen first. DING. pipe. 0-0
Pouliot, the "hot hand." MAF went for the pokecheck. Errey describes him as "like a cat"
Sid City. Sweden in his mouth. still 0-0
Mats "Waterbug" Zuccarello of Norway. buries it. 1-0 Rags
Gene has to score to keep it going. BIG RUSSIAN BOOM. 1-1
Brad Richards showed up and scored the deciding goal. Rangers win the shootout.
Honestly, who didn't expect that after the way the game went and Steigerwald's huge on-air boner? We'll just consider this unfinished business for after the Olympics. When all the souls are broken and only the resilient will survive.
God, I am just thinking about how fucking in shape you have to be to consider it nbd when you play a full 82-game NHL season and then go play a bunch of games in the Olympics in the middle of it. I'm sitting here eating pretzels, for Christ's sake.
MAN WITH THE MOST CLEAR PRIORITIES
This is a man who woke up in the morning and realized the best thing he could do to enact change, both globally and in his own community. He needed to make this sign. Look at this local leader. Look at his choices. He knows what he's done. WHAT ABOUT YOU????
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Tanner Glass – was credited with 8 hits. We'll never understand how this stat gets counted in the NHL so we are forced to assume that the statistician thought he was dreamy, which is okay.
2. Ryan McDonagh – hope you're ready to get the fuck out of the red white and blue and into different shades thereof
3. Gene idk, for trying a lot
Take it away, Sochi.
So far, this year has been the Year of Our Lord That Everyone Was A Dick To Everyone Else. Let's hope that something can happen to change that soon.