not friends

Dad Shero is being honored by the Flyers before the game, but oddly they didn't thank him for bringing us Rejean and a legacy of poor defenseman drafting!!!!!!

okay enough with the trolljob

god Flyers games are always nasty.  We may never hate them like we hate the Red Wings or the Capitals or, you know, the Ottawa Senators, but this is never going to be a love affair.

MOST FUCKED

Neal and Kunitz are both hurt.  Neal is "out indefinitely" with a concussion.  Kunitz's leg is probably dead.

CROSBY'S LINEMATES ARE STEMPNIAK AND TAYLOR FUCKING PYATT

BUY MILK AND BREAD

The Crosby line already looks abysmal and the only offensive zone shift looks like it's courtesy of Goc, Sutter, and Tanner Glass.  Welp.  Giveaways for days.  Deryk Engelland, Simon Despres, and Craig Adams all gang up on Rinaldo.  They penalize Despres despite the fact that Rinaldo is human garbage.

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WELCOME TO CARCOSA

Hey folks, remember the Flyers power play?

Hartnell, 1-0.

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BEST PLAYER IN THE WORLD

Claude Giroux gets called for a slash.  It's a makeup call but who the fuck cares.

Without Kunitz or Neal on the PP we don't have great expectations.  Crosby, Sutter, Malkin, Jokinen and Niskanen are the PP.

OH MY GOD AND STEVEY MASON IS IN NET OUR HEARTS

MURDER ANY PROSTITUTES LATELY STEVEN

BEST BREAKAWAY EVER

Adam Hall shorthanded.  Looked like Hal Gill after a night at the bar.  The Flyers had a 2 on 1 after that.  For funsies.

OH

Pens get another PP because MacDonald hit.  Crosby, Sutter, Niskanen, Jokinen, and Malkin again.  Turnovers for days:

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2-0 shorthanded.  Courturier behind the net to Read.

Still more turnovers.  More chances.

THE MOMENT AN ARENA FULL OF FLYERS FANS SIMULTANEOUSLY EJACULATED AND REVOLUTIONIZED THE SPERM INDUSTRY

Crosby got sprung on a breakaway by Stempniak but was defended off by Coburn.  Then he went to the box for a hook, as you do.

If the Pens make this kill, you think, I'll do something drastic.  I'll give all my savings to charity.  I'll move to the woods and start a sheep sanctuary.

Simmonds had the best chance but MAF may have actually made a save.

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The penalty was technically killed. but the Pens don't get to exit the zone.  Luckily nothing happens.

Pens pretty much need the next goal otherwise there's no such thing as hope.

To end the period, we have the Flyers getting away with hooking and interference and everything (BLAME THE REFS OBVS) and the Penguins giving up more odd man breaks.  You know exciting like old time hockey

CONGRATULATIONS YOU TRIED

Pens trying to run a breakout like a bunch of drunks in the second, but at least they start getting some zone time.  Orpik leveled Couturier and everyone in the arena cried about it.

CONGRATULATIONS YOU ARE TRASH

Rinaldo interferes with Tanner Glass because he is a human stain.

Pens get an additional PP.  This is a time to score, people.  Looks like Crosby, Stempniak, Malkin, Jokinen, and Niskanen.  Flyers making Stevey look good and hungry.  This power play looks better.  Sutter maybe shouldn't have been on it.

Claude Giroux and Jokinen had some incidental contact which is apparently interference.

ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME

Lecavalier comes off the bench, Niskanen tries to defend him on the break but Lecavalier buries it.

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Shouting forever.

Screaming into the darkness.

Despres almost redeems himself a little later by scoring on Mason but Stevey fights it off.

HAHAHHAHHAHFAHHAHAHFLSJAHAHHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHAHHAHAHAHHA

Penguins allow a 3 on 1.  ROOT cuts to Jeff Zatkoff spitting on to the ice.

Matt Read

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4-0 Flyers

bye

Potash interviewed Scott Hartnell at intermission.  Let's hope Dan Bylsma is remembering how to be mean to these people.

LOL FINE

Pens leave Fleury out there for the duration.

Pens really don't have anything going in the third.

Steve Downie tries to end Tanner Glass's life.  That has to be a penalty right?

Come on, take Stevey's shutout.  We're done.

Engo hits the post.  Best depth forward for the Penguins ever who also plays D.

And the Pens take a penalty because this is a godless state

"not much of [a slash on Giroux], would like to get your money's worth if you're gonna get the two" – bob errey, zero fucks given

OH WHAT A QUICK WHISTLE ON LIKE THE PENS' ONLY NON-DERYK ENGELLAND SCORING CHANCE EVER

Marcel Goc is legit

alas, looks like we're not getting much else out of this old mare

fucking shit fuck off

Go Pens tomorrow

Flyers fans end the game with a rousing chorus of Crosby Sucks.  good job

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST LIKELY TO BE OUT OF LUNCH MONEY

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Brian Gibbons

seriously what the fuck is this image depicting

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

fuck off

go pens or something

HANDY TIP: we always try to tag our posts with "puck huffers" so that people who don't like our blog can mute us because we're considerate and rude at the same time

p.s. fuck off

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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