Before the game today, Zoe decided to get inspirational and sent me this:
I have decided it is a sign. Or an omen. Or it’s a message that this is all a fleeting dream and we will wake up with the misfortune of being Flames fans and we should cherish every moment.
Who knows. I fucking hate the Caps.
MOST DATING JOKE
The game starts out normal enough. Everyone does their national duty of boo’ing Ovie, Mike Green makes us wonder if Good Charlotte jokes are even relevant anymore (j/k, they aren’t), and all is as expected.
It gets scary for a second when Brooksy offers up a turnover behind the Pens net and Grabovski gets the puck to Ovie. He tries a wrister, but luckily MAF is there to coo at us and tell us it’s okay. Fehr tries to get in on the party but the Flower says he isn’t on the guest list.
MOST ROOTED IN CAPITALISM
Some sick work from the boys in black and [vegas] gold lands Orpik with a chance for a slapper from the point. Neuvirth acts all cool like he’s got it under control, but the puck has plans of its own. Unfortunately student debt loans and the recent foreclosure of his parents’ home caught up to the little guy and killed his hopes and dreams as he sat right there on the goal line, incapable of making it another inch.
We can’t really blame the puck, but we mourn the loss.
THE WORST THING LETANG WILL DO TONIGHT (HOPEFULLY)
The Pens go on the PP after Ward is called for tripping. Shortly after, Tanger skates the puck out from behind the net and passes to…? Anyone…? Okay, so, potentially Sid or Malks, but it’s all kinda blurry. Alzner helps himself to it while we all scratch our heads and gets it to Laich.
Tanger makes one last try at ending this disastrous chain of events but Laich shrugs him off and sends it sailing past MAF.
The score is 1-0. Blergh. But MAF spends the rest of the first making sure it stays that way and he does a damn fine job.
MOST STUFFED SNAILS EARNED IN THE CONTINENTAL U.S. THUS FAR THIS YEAR
The first half of the second is really just MAF killin’ it. A few wristers here and there, no big deal. Even when Carlson gets a really good chance through traffic, even when he again tries a tricky bad angle shot, Fleury shuts it down. It’s a pretty great effort to keep the Caps at bay while the boys figure their shit out.
In case you were considering sending a token of your gratitude, MAF is on a strict no-juicebox regimen. The team has taken to finding and offering tiny novelty stuffed snails in order to keep him Happy and Healthy.
I mean really.
BEST THING LETANG WILL DO ALL NIGHT (HOPEFULLY NOT)
Kris Letang is a complicated creature and no stranger to searching for redemption (much like Jet Li in Fearless.) Kunitz skates the puck out of the zone and sends it to Glass, who finds Sid. Sid, who is always game for helping a good ol’ redemption play, gets it to Tanger.
Now here’s the thing: KTang wasn’t TRYING to score. He was TRYING to get the puck to Kunitz. The puck decides to avenge his goal line slain brother by deflecting off of Backstrom’s stick and into the net.
We’ll take it while wildly side-eyeing everyone in the room to the point that we sustain minor retinal bruising.
MOST INDECENT EXPOSURE
The Caps cash in on some really clean passing and Chimera is the one to cash in. The defense was left completely naked and confused, and while we typically wouldn’t complain, if you wanna show us yourselves while this vulnerable, save it for Skype after the game.
MOST SURPRISING THING THAT ACTUALLY REALLY HAPPENED
Maatta makes a fucking genius play, faking a slapper and sending Wilson sliding around like a fool, and gets it right to Pyatt. Pyatt takes full advantage of the opportunity and tries a one-timer which just so happens to go right beyond the reach of Neuvirth’s glove.
We know, right?! Pyatt. Huh. What shock and awe will the third bring?
MOST CONFUSING FUCKERY
A series of events that I am too bored to explain leads us to a 4 on 4. The Pens are too bored to explain why we are playing with 3 defensemen. The Capitals are too bored to ask, and instead yawn as Ovie fires one right past MAF.
Sutter and Jokinen don’t wait long to tie it back up. Sutter sets Jokinen up just to the right of the cage. It may or may not have glanced off Orlov’s stick, but Jokinen gets the goal.
You are officially gasping for air.
Maatta fakes a shot and plays sneak thief all over the ice before lining up a wrister. Pyatt does something cool again and makes an awesome screen to help out. Maatta sinks it.
ALT THREE STARS
Pyatt – ?!?!
MAF – Pretty sharp. Got a couple snails revoked, but still deserves the rest.
Letang – for the lols
We’re back in the hockey drought after tonight.
Try not to lose yourself in the abyss.