on your mark, get set, terrible.

On a typical game night the media struggles to provide us with photos of the actual goals that take place. Not so for the Stadium Series – the media shitriver can’t wait to wash these gemstones ashore. 

While it would be fun to throw shade at the Stadium Series all day, we can’t waste our lives getting worried about every idea Gary Bettman has while getting faded in his garage. The real story here is that we got our asses handed to us on a decorative plate and garnished with our dignity by a starry eyed Toews as Plain White T’s sang a song that was as ill conceived and blatantly money grabbing as this whole goddamn thing.

If you swallow the message that the NHL is cramming down your throat about all of this and take the game as some nostalgic reminder of pond hockey that most of us only fondly recall from the same ten second video clip of the Staals’ childhood games we have seen about one trillion times…it is actually kind of fun. Hockey in the conditions seen yesterday is messy, earnest, and often times hilarious. 

The puck had a mind of its own, skipping over snow patches and occasionally disappearing from this plane of existence entirely. The boys slogged through the mess, reminiscent of Tyke players in mismatched skates. It was really kinda cute if you forget about the fact that a game against Chicago is sort of important. 

The snow shovelers were covered by NBC as if they were a counsel of world leaders deciding what to do about Russia.

I feel that I know these people now.

Toews came out as some kind of goddamn snow princess, playing completely unaffected by the conditions. We wanna hate on the situation more, but the guy looked like he was having a blast. He was having some Ratatouille-esque childhood flashback to shinny hockey that elevated him to a level where the Penguins couldn’t touch him.

Not that the weather had jack shit to do with the loss. Chicago was on point and the Penguins were scrambling to keep up, obviously hurting from the holes in the roster. 

The only goals scored were compliments of the Blackhawks, including our only goal, which came as a gift from Seabrook. Toews had a magical moment where he undressed Brooks Orpik and got the puck past MAF in highlight reel fashion.

There was one moment of hope when we thought sweet relief had finally come and a Higher Power was stepping in to shut down the earth now that the NHL has officially lost its shit, but turns out it was just fireworks.

It’s never fire and brimstone when you need it most. 

Luckily it’s easy to dismiss this game and not get as down about it as we actually should. Focusing on other complaints dulls the pain of a poorly played game against a team that it’s important to us to not play poorly against. 

So kick back, think about how much you hate everything that just happened to you, and let’s all hope that the next few games will banish this one from our memory.

Go Pens.


About Kim

I bleed Pittsburgh but also blood and I need that, so please don't cut me.