please keep all limbs and extremities inside the vehicle

THIS RECAP IS SUPER LATE BECAUSE THE PLACE WHERE WE USUALLY GET PHOTOS WAS BROKEN AND ALSO MY MIND DIED.  enjoy

I'm a massive asshole and totally didn't even notice the time.  Somehow, by the time I tuned into the game at 10:19PM, the game already had two goals.  And then Glass fought someone named Maroon.  The Pens are getting outshot 6-1 and they have a goal on their only shot from. . .Deryk Engelland?  Okay.

Here's how it went down.  I'm failing.  Kim has been picking up my slack the last 3 games and reminding you all what an unbelievable princess she is.  And I'm just a scrub.  A scrub drinking beer alone in her room.  Roll out that red carpet for me.

LEAST GREAT

Four minutes in and Perry gets a dirty goal.  Oh, this again.  The Ducks are the best team in the NHL.  The Sharks looked like the best team in the NHL after a rough night last night.  The Pens looked average.  They still look average.

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we are so done with this.  Perry lives in Southern California and manages to embody to us everything we hate about 5 degree Fahrenheit weather and rotten ice and soulless, empty winter skies full of demons.

LARGEST DIMENSIONAL RIFT

It opened in Jonas Hiller's five hole and Deryk Engelland blasted a puck through it and into the fucking Frogstar.

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1-1.  Should I go put my Engo jersey on?  is it time?

The rift wreaks havoc on everyone as Vitale gets called for diving but the Duck also gets called for a trip.  Nothing happens really.  Ducks are forcing turnovers though.  The Pacific division is apparently a nasty torture chamber.

SPECIAL TROPHY FOR MOMENTS THAT MADE YOU GRAB ANOTHER BEER

The Penguins have an awful time exiting their own zone in this game.  It's embarrassing.  Stop it.  This is the NHL.  You're not stupid.

Neal takes a penalty though to prove us wrong.  If we make it out of this period tied we'll be fucking happy.  3 shots in this period.  LOL.

DAMMIT LEE AND YOU WERE AN INNOCENT KITTEN JUST THE OTHER DAY

Lee Stempniak with a hook 17 seconds into the second.  Jesus.  Pens fans think it was embellishment but we're not overly sure.  All we know is that we have to kill another penalty and no kittens will save us now.  Joe Vitale has no stick which hurts our souls.  He apparently gave his stick to Olli.  Good man.

Crosby is out on a line with Stempniak and finally starts redeeming his horrible game from yesterday.  Set up Despres for a one timer against the grain and it went off the pipe.

SADDEST MOMENT

Sight of the puck was lost after an egregious giveaway by Scuderi and it ended up in the back of the net but there was a quick whistle.  Boos rain down.  We need a break like that.  If we can make it last.  The puck trickling in well after the whistle felt like an omen–but it could be years, decades, in the future before we see the fruits of that omen.  We've learned to stop interpreting our omens so literally.

Crosby almost sets up Stempniak wide open and lots of things almost happen, but we're not there yet.  Errey notes that it's 8 minutes in and the Penguins don't have an official shot.  Then the Pens give up a literal 3 on 1.  How many of those have we seen lately?  Despres is stalwart defending it though, manages to take out one man and the pass.  MAF has to make a difficult save anyway because this is hockey.

Engelland is the most dynamic person alive right now basically.  He managed to release some kind of slapshot that he almost missed that went in super slow and almost caused confusion around Hiller.

OLDEST BROSHIP

There were some fat jokes about Boudreau earlier and apparently Boudreau used to be one of Bobby's linemates.  We never knew.  We kind of always assumed that Bruce emerged from the mud flats fully formed encased in a sheath not unlike a potato skin and the folds were peeled back to reveal his flesh.  But Bobby thinks this is hilarious, fooling us about his old buddy.  It's kind of adorable.

WELP

Malkin line draws a penalty.  Nothing quite happens but the Pens get some shots.  The scoreboard still says 1-1 after the second.

COCK CITY POPULATION OUR EYES

Getzlaf and Perry again.  If the Pens get another goal in this game, they better hope the dimensional rift is ready for an assist.  And if that happens that means the Frogstar Fighters are coming and we're all dead.  The goal came after Perry basically tried to meld his body and equipment into Orpik's face.

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ONLY CHANCE WE'LL EVER GET

Pens get a PP as Dan is starting to shuffle the hell out of his lines.  Pyatt out with Malkin and Neal.  oh okay.  Still, next shift, a Duck goes off for something.  Don't even care what it was.

Pens suddenly trot out a nasty power play.  Two blasts from Niskanen to warm it up, forced out of the zone once, all could have been over.  But they created enough space for Gene.  Boom.

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2-2 how

Next shift basically Jokinen has a walk-in chance alone in front of Hiller, set up by a disgusting pass by Sutter.  But Hiller saved him somehow.  Stayed right with Jussi.  And then the puck bounced.

We're awake now.  I'm even sober.  And I was on ~5 hours of sleep and a hasty beer.  And I'm a lightweight so.

Perry almost had a hat trick.  We would have rioted.

TIME IS NO LONGER REAL

No idea what to believe anymore.  Pyatt seems to have earned a regular spot on Malkin's line somehow.  Orpik is getting brutalized by Cogliano.  etc.  Pens are pouring in occasionally and they are actually outshooting the Ducks. . . . . .  .cross your fingers.  And the Pens work their asses off and make it to OT.  We're proud.  We didn't see it coming.  The dimensional rift has broken wide open.

Some nonsense around MAF to start the OT.  Terrifying.  Crosby gets a long breakaway on Hiller after blowing past Lovejoy but Hiller makes the save.  Crosby is balls deep and tries a wraparound backhander elevated on Hiller.  The fact that he can even attempt this.

Pens are actually playing like a team now.  We don't understand–but we knew they could do it.

MAF does two amazing saves to keep the Pens in this.  The game eventually goes to a shootout.  Dead.  Niskanen almost buried it right at the end.  Jesus.

MOST GODLESS EARTH

this one that lets so many hockey games go to shootouts

The Ducks deferred going first in the SO.

Hiller made a save on Neal, who went first

MAF stopped Bonino.

Crosby gave Hiller 90000 moves and scored.  lol.  1-0 Pens

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FLEURY DISGUSTING POKECHECK ON PALMIERI. BYE.

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Gene can end it.

But he lost the puck.  Welp.

Here comes Perry.  Perry has to score to keep it going.  And Perry scored.

Dammit Gene.  You giveth and you taketh away you beautiful man.

Jussi time.  Hiller with the glove.

Now Fleury vs. Silvferberg.  Big save.

Kunitz, our favorite adopted son.  BALLER goal.  Giant dick on that goal.

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Selanne can score to keep it going, and he does.  Made it look delicious and easy.  It hurts.  We can't.  But it's so beautiful.

Sutter city.  Man did Hiller bite his move so hard.  Backhand.  Elevated.

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Getzlaf comes in.  Fleury stopped him.  Getzlaf didn't deserve that.  Been throwing a fucking bitchfit all night.  Go home Ryan.  You're belligerent.

can't believe they pulled it off.

PENS WIN, 3-2 SO

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST DISGUSTING TROLL JOB, OR, WHY IS RYAN GETZLAF CAPTAIN OF THIS TEAM WHEN HE CAN'T DEAL WITH REAL LIFE

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Tanner, you're a saint.

PRETTIEST

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Simon we're very proud of you for playing so well tonight and you look absolutely dashing.

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. MAF.

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2. Engo.  We appreciate what you are doing for us as a family.

3. Marcel Goc – tearing up the faceoff circle

The next thing we need to deal with is a home and home with the Caps, so hopefully you have a watertight bag for the collecting of tears.

Go Pens.  omg

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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