First and foremost, to hell with the west coast. Why are we expect to stay up until god-knows-when in the morning just so they can get their jollies at the right time? Petition for west coasters to have to deal with games being a little bit earlier so we can all get to bed on time like the tired old maids that we are.
Other than that – the Canucks? Okay, we guess that’s a thing. We’re fortunate enough to avoid facing Luongo tonight due to an ankle-thingy. And that, folks, is sports reporting at its finest.
FIRST STIRRING IN YOUR NETHER REGIONS DUE TO A UNICORN FOR QUITE SOME TIME
We start out strong with some good Plans and Ideas, including Despres letting loose a slapper in the first minute of play. Lack says no, but we see weakness in his eyes. Evs gets a chance just wide. Neal gets in on the fun with a faceoff play wrister. Lack is trying to tell us no, but we are gently stroking his face and whispering that it is okay.
Five minutes in, Ryan Kesler gets feisty and tries to make magic appear out of thin air. Luckily for us, he does, and that magic happens to be in the body of a pristine unicorn, who hauls Kesler to the ice and gives him a quick wink and a whisper of “be careful what you lustily wish for.”
GOAL MOST DETERMINED BY MY COMPUTER TO BE FORGOTTEN
Ummm, so I wrote out an entire award for cute lil Gibbons opening up the scoring in the first period, and now it is missing so who knows what was said or will be said in retellings of this magnificent goal. Thanks, technology. You rule.
5 into the second Malkin makes a sloppy pass that is picked up by Hensen, who tries to make it into something amazing. Luckily Fleury was between bites of strawberry crepes and had time to shut it down.
As if to immediately make up for the indiscretion, he makes a mean pass to Neal, who takes tender care of it until Malks is ready. Evs gets it back in the slot and gets a wrister over Lack. We’ll call that more than even.
REDEMPTION YOU PRAY WILL BE EVEN SWIFTER
Turnovers are the theme of the night and Sid never shows up undressed to a theme party (unless the theme is Unbelievable Asses.) A backhand attempt aimed at Gibbons goes awry and Garrison is like “Yeah, Imma go ahead and take that.” He flicks it over MAF’s shoulder and it hops in off the cross bar.
This goal also goes unassisted. We’re just hoping it won’t meet up with Malkin’s in the mall corridor and make a $300 puck problem we’ll have to pretend didn’t happen at the next PTA meeting.
MOST REMINISCENT OF PYMATUNING
Not quite half way through the third Tanev fires a slapper from above the left circle. For some reason there are five trillion hockey players in front of Fleury, and as you know, we have never once in our entire lives ever once used hyperbole. Tanev takes advantage of the milling crowd (ducks walking across their backs) and scoots it through past MAF’s skate. It was like someone dumped a garbage bag full of bread heels into the water.
If you aren’t from SW PA, excuse this entire reference.
Vitale attempts to hold shit down with a backhander but Lack isn’t having it. Hansen and Higgins start giggling and we hear something about mumblemumblespikingthejuiceboxmumblemumble. After some slick moves, they somehow convince our favorite lil’ flower to open up fivehole. Higgins gets it in and sends photos to all his friends.
Ask any bro on the street and they’ll say the way MAF was dressed, he was certainly asking for it. Ask us and we’ll cut your eyes out and eat them to gain memories of everything you’ve ever seen.
MOMENT YOU STARTED QUOTING STATISTICS ABOUT GOALS SCORED IN MINIMAL AMOUNTS OF TIME
The Canucks make it a two point lead when Kassian gets a weird backhander past MAF. It’s icky, but MAF is not blameless. It is a 4-2 game now with scarcely more than 6 minutes remaining.
MOMENT YOU STARTED ROCKING BACK AND FORTH CHANTING A PRAYER TO A LONG FORGOTTEN GOD
With 1:11 left, Tanger takes the puck from Jokinen and slides in a one-timer that you swore wouldn’t work. If that goal worked, what else will?
MOMENT YOU LITERALLY DIED
Once again, we are completely allergic to hyperbole. With less than a minute remaining, Jokinen tries to tie it up by throwing it at the net. It hits a body, but Kunitz is there to smack it out of the air to Sid. Sid, still stirring with guilt for taking part in turnoverfest 2014, makes it a point to calm the puck down and throw it at the cage. It’s a tie game motherfuckers. That’s overtime.
MOMENT YOU THANKED THE GOOD LORD YOU COULD GO TO BED BECAUSE IT IS FUCKING 1 DEGREE OUTSIDE AND YOU HAVE WORK IN THE MORNING OMG
OT is worthless. Sid seals it up in the shootout. Goddamn.
The press, for looking around wide-eyed with nacho cheese on their mouths rather than taking photos of the game.
But hey, at least they got this gem.