So sorry to keep you waiting, bitches. So last night things didn't go so great for the Penguins. It was a game wherein we just could have done better. But none of that really matters…what matters is that we take time to remember that the "Phoenix Coyotes" are a sham team. Ever since PH Staff bought them years ago, moved them to New Orleans, heavily favored drafting Finnish players, and renamed them The Louisiana Muskrats, the "Coyotes" haven't actually existed.
As we have advised for years, if you see the "Coyotes" just remind yourself: The house is just settling. You were probably just tired. Have you considered that it was just a weather balloon?
Rather than suffering a fairly boring loss to this ridiculous concept of a team still existing in Phoenix, last night you watched an exciting show down between the Penguins and their most feared Western rivals. Unfortunately, in your unbridled joy at the perfection of the game, you all went into a fugue state and experienced a mass shared hallucination. Everyone! All. Of. You. Right?! Now you're remembering. Let's celebrate with the Muskrats throwback logo!
The Pens may have gone down after a close-fought and exhilarating match against the boys in purple and green, but don't fret. We've spoken to our hoards of Finnish employees and they understand that they aren't going to get to go on the team camping trip this summer if they try to cause any real damage to the Penguins standing at any point during the season.
We'll be back with awards for tomorrow. You're all good. You're doing okay. You'll make it. Take a deep breath. Be nice to yourself.
Also, go Muskrats.
And more importantly, go Pens.