capsule previews of the four quarterfinal matchups tomorrow. single elimination hurts and burns. For unknown reasons we have decided to compare each game to food.
3:00AM ET – Sweden vs Slovenia
The Slovenian team is a actually not awful. They keep pushing away. However, they’ve drawn the #1 seed in the quarters. Let’s hope they keep it hella interesting, and Kopitar hat tricks for all, win or lose. If this game were a food, it would be a blood pudding.
7:30AM ET – Russia vs Finland
Probably the closest-on-paper match of the tournament thus far. Russia’s offense has struggled and Finland has held water in this tournament pretty much no problem, behind the dutiful rage of Tuukka Rask and the sweet, divine aura of Teemu Selanne and Olli Maatta and other glorious Finns. If this game were a food, it’d be cloudberry liqueur frozen in a glacier overlooking a war-torn tundra.
12:00PM ET – Canada vs Latvia
oh, fuck you Canada. Also, exciting lesson learned today: the head coach of the Latvia team is Ted Nolan??? we had no idea
jesus. if this game were a food, it’d be Nanaimo bars baked using Canadian teenagers’ excess semen. But if Canada blows it and Latvia wins somehow, we’ll amend that and say it’s more like a serving of leftover beet soup and a keg of kvass.
12:00PM ET – USA vs Czech Republic
How are these fucking games on at the same time?
We can’t speak about this game too much. We don’t want to get on the wrong side of any omens. Praise be to Phil, second of his name. Deliver us from Evil. Amen.
If this game were a food, it would be pizza. We’ve been to non-Mediterranean Europe and they don’t know jack shit about pizza, so we figure it’s our best bet.