Games like this are the kind you have to strap in for, stiff drink in hand. Playing the Isles most likely means a high scoring game and maybe a fight or two. They’re fun games, in that annoying oh-my-god-I-can’t-breathe sort of way.
Tavares is a monster, tbqh, and Okposo is probably all weepy about being passed up for the Olympics, so he’ll be salty out there. We can’t scrape together the fee-fees to care.
Let’s get to it.
HARDEST WORK BY MOST RIDICULOUS PERSON
Before we really have time to settle into the game, Letang is CalRolled in his own corner. Cal’s pressure causes Tang to put the puck where Hickey gets it – from there it goes to Michael Grabner, who puts a wrister right past Zatkoff. Mr. Clutterbuck’s work really made that happen.
We’re not admitting to anything, but somewhere out there in the internet abyss is a once-popular Cal Clutterbuck fb group that may or may not have been overthrown in an act of civil disobedience.
BARTENDING LEVEL: DIFFICULT
Orpik denies a play being set up by Okposo ad Tavares that looked like it would spell doom. Maatta attempts a slapper that goes wide. All is for not when Cal makes Martin serve up a turnover on neutral ice. Grabner and Nelson form a two-on-one against Brooks, who can’t put an end to the play as Nelson whips the puck past Zatkoff.
Not ten minutes in and it’s 2-0. We know to expect a high scoring game, but starting the scoring this way is pretty gross. We’re hoping to drink at a pace that eases the pain, makes the inevitable future celebrations more enjoyable, but also won’t have us blind by second intermission. It’s a complicated balancing act.
MOST UNLIKELY BFFS
Kobasew works to keep Strait from the puck against the end boards, leaving it for Crosby to pick up. Sid gets it to Kunitz, who gets a one-timer into the net.
It’s like hearing 13 year old girls speak in a made up language while painting their toenails; it’s also more chemistry in this particular group than we usually see. Kobasew needs to keep that shit up.
UNLUCKIEST FOR SOMEONE ELSE, LOL, WHATEVER
Kunitz gets the puck to Sid, who sends the it careening around until it finds its rightful place sliding through Poulin’s legs. Which sounds scandalous, so we like it, as we do with all ways of wording five hole goals.
It was unlucky for the Isles, but we can’t waste time in the first period of a game having feels for the opposing team. So: Suck it! Hah!
We play it out into intermission, tied 2-2.
MOMENT YOU UNCLENCHED
We spend the beginning of the second killing off a penalty Maatta earned for a cross check. Overall our play looks strong. Everything falls into place when Kunitz brings the puck into the zone and leaves it for Maatta, who navigates the D (hahahaha. ahhh. we’re 12, btw) and puts it behind Poulin. Finally ahead, we can relax a little and maybe sip our drinks a little slower. But honestly we probably won’t.
Nisky is apparently filled with boiling rage over the advancements in arena technology. To voice his protests, he uses Hickey to smash an electronic advertisement. It’s pretty great. We want Nisky on our side when Skynet rises up.
There is some MartinxMartin penalty action, that lands Matt Martin in the box. Our powerplay is fucking on pointtttt. Malkin gets it to Neal in the slot, who in turn gets it to Sid. Sid then passes to Letang, who turns Poulin’s world upside down. It’s nice to see the PP looking so goddamn clean.
We go into the third two ahead. Mmmff.
LEAST PRODUCTIVE SCUFFLE
We love a good fight and will argue to our deaths in order preserve the place of a good fight in a hockey game, but all because of the obvious benefits a fight can have for the teams. When Martin blindsides Glass and they both drop the gloves, it’s unclear what this is going to do for anyone. The Isles are looking good, the Pens are up…just…why?
Not long after Nielson gets a pass to Bailey, who tears off on a breakaway. It ends with the puck behind Zatkoff and our lead back to one goal. Ick.
PRETTIEST PRETTIEST PRINCES
Malkin puts the pressure on behind the Isles net and chips the puck up the boards. Neal takes it at the right point, and gets it back to Malks. Malkin puts it five hole [pause for laughter] and Neal gets the sole assist. It’s kinda gorgeous.
Fun Fact: This game can – and has been – turned into a more adult-friendly game called Sluttiest Sluttiest Pri- …you get it.
MOMENT THE DRINKS PROBS CAUGHT UP AND EVERYONE WENT BLIND
The Isles score and the commentary is almost completely “Uhhh…wtf?”
Let’s just not remember this ever. Instead, let’s remember Nielsen trying to tie it up again and Zatkoff absolutely fucking robbing him blind.
The tie up never happens, Sutter gets it into the empty net unassisted, and the clock ticks down to another glorious evening for the Pens.
LEASY LIKELY TO GET AN AWARD IN EARNEST
The Press. No, seriously.
The folks behind the cameras tonight were definitely leaning Penguins. It’s unclear, looking through the initial photos, if the Isles even showed up.
ALT THREE STARS
1. Kobasew – Thank you for having chemistry with the boys. We needed that from you.
2. Brooks – Up and down game for him. The ups were appreciated.
3. Martin(s) – Double name editions are always fun.
That was exhausting but well earned.
Can we maybe get some normal scores up in here some time soon? American sports audiences may want higher scoring games, but this is getting ridiculous.
Calm it down.
And of course, Go Pens.