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so excited, so unslept

So yeah. No one wants to admit that the Pens could lose this game, but they could. NBC bringing truth by saying in the early goings that the Pens need a statement game. Reductionist National Media, we couldn’t have said it better ourselves. Even while we’re pouring shots, shouting incoherently about the “what’s wrong with Sidney Crosby?” storyline, and self-immolating all stability in our personal lives with clumsy hands full of lit matches.

It’s not our fault that all this synchronicity is cathartic.

HIDDEN STAT EXCEPT IT’S NOT HIDDEN AND IT’S NOT A STAT: Brian Gibbons is returning tonight. Could this mathematically indicate the return of our Sanity, our God?

someone might be buckled up, but out in the real world, auto safety is the law, not a choice.

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FIRST PERIOD: THE WHEELS COULD HAVE FALLEN OFF VERY EARLY

The Pens are flurrying early but Kunitz gets called for goaltender interference. Welp.

Rangers are 0-25 on their last 25 PP chances so they’re probably going to score a big goal, right? Nah, never mind. Not yet.

We were just thinking about how Matt Niskanen was a paragon of beauty but he felt the need to punch Carcillo in the head for no reason. Supposedly this was all a conspiracy by Brian Gibbons to make us all incredibly pleased about his penalty killing. And the Rangers go 0 for 27.

Malkin then boards Girardi or something. The challenge is to see if the Rangers can go 0 for 28. And they do! And they dooooo!

Pens get a PP chance after that because Carcillo was indignant. Nothing happened though.

Hey, Wildcats. Get your head in the game.

Bortuzzo attacks St. Louis for some reason and then Nash goes after Bortuzzo. They’re both going to the box. FAT RICK WHERE IS YOUR HOODIE DON’T YOU REMEMBER THE GOLDEN DAYS OF OUR RELATIONSHIP WHEN YOU WOULD LEND US YOUR HOODIE AND WE WOULD WALK TO 7-11 TO GET CHEEZ CURLS

In a last minute sequence, Malkin tries to go the distance and gets the puck stolen off of him by Zuccarello.

Crosby destroys Ryan McDonagh’s life but shoots it over the net. He then backhands aggressively in the final 3 seconds but Lundqvist was there.

Can this period just end? Because I’ve just had some important news brought to my attention, which is Malkin getting a lapdance in a video: http://deadspin.com/lets-watch-evgeni-malkin-get-a-lap-dance-nsfw-1571521090

I have so many thoughts, namely that he is probably very drunk and was remarkably reserved with her until the end. We get the feeling he knows the limits of acceptable behavior onstage with exotic dancers. This girl is EARNING IT, and she kissed him three times, which I assume was overzealousness on her part, because isn’t that usually frowned upon in a lap dance scenario? We’re assuming this happened in summer 09 and that someone Gene is friends with compensated this woman very generously.

This has to be in Russia right?
Why did he flap her boobs?
Has he tried that move before with great success?

SECOND PERIOD: THE SPIRITS AWAKEN

In the second, everything is happening. Letang has decided to go into beast mode. The top six forwards are buzzing. Then Kunitz touches someone. Kunitz isn’t allowed to touch anyone. He did actually hook up Brassard a little. They are getting some chances. Pens do indeed kill it.

Kunitz on a break. Lundqvist the big save. Zuccarello is allowed to do whatever he wants.

Huge redirect save by Lundqvist after a segment of magic by Crosby and Gibbons.

BUT HE COULDN’T KEEP IT OUT FOR LONG. Letang hard pass to the net. Kunitz was just barreling in, giving zero fucks about life. Girardi wanted to make it stop. He couldn’t make it stop. It may have been his fault.

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goal gets credited to Letang and we all hold our breath as Fleury has to sit on a puck practically outside his crease.

holding our breaths the rest of the period, actually. NBC forgets to mute shit when Carbomb and Nealer start whispering sweet nothings. Lundqvist out of his mind. Best Penguins period of the postseason so far.

THE THIRD PERIOD: NO JUMPERCABLES CAN SAVE YOU NOW

The third feels like it has to be downright methodical, and yet the Penguins are still coming. Stempniak and Bennett having a huge statement game together. Seem determined to score. Maatta set up Bennett for Chance of the Century but Lundqvist was There.

The refs weren’t gonna call anything until Girardi got so upset about his life that he had to lean on Neal miles from the puck. Pens don’t score though.

Pens are basically running the third period like clockwork.

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no one blink but I think the animal sacrifices are working

Paul Martin with unreal defense on an almost-break by Richards. Then the chasm opens and Kunitz draws a penalty. Dorsett got pissed at him and bumped him for no reason.

Lundqvist out of his mind without a stick. Then Crosby loses his.

The Pens rush back kind of slowly, but they have numbers, Neal with a sick pass off Henrik’s pads, and Juicy J sees the seam.

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Hank was desperate and low.

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Line of Adams-Vitale-Gibbons goes out of its mind on a shift. Should mean something.

Rangers get Lundqvist out, but Malkin is able to gently push the puck home to the empty net soon after a Pens timeout.

Fleury chants break out with about 30 seconds left and it’s actually pretty good. Hey, CONSOL showed up to the game you guys.

HEY ALSO, the Penguins played a complete hockey game for the first time in approximately two months.

Could it be that we’re just getting started?

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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