A child joins the Penguins for the anthems from a team called the Butler Valley Dawgs, and all seems relatively right with the world, i.e. we are not playing the Flyers. Also James Neal and Chris Kunitz are back with us. And Zatkoff is in net. Somehow we feel oddly calm.
First we have to get something out of the way. The love of our lives Petr Sykora, Petr Fever, the man who called his own shot and occasionally shows up in our minds wielding a belt and an Oreo ice cream bar to save for later in the top shelf of the freezer, has retired. In memoriam:
This is too bittersweet. Please don't look at us while we are crying.
Let's move on. The season has under a month to live and frankly we've been better.
"Special teams." Dallas took a penalty–Rob Scuderi is bleeding after a high stick and for some reason it's only 2 minutes. We think the bleeding thing is weird but I mean call it consistently.
The Penguins second PP unit is like Despres, Maatta, Stempniak, Jokinen, and Goc. Great movement. Keep that unit together.
After a great play by Sutter, Crosby like destroys everyone's souls by outskating all the Stars and putting a ridiculous backhander behind Lehtonen.
1-0 Pens. Already better than anything that has happened in days.
After some more stuff the Stars finally get a couple of shots. K.
So far status quo. Top lines carrying the Pens. Sutter created that great shift, though. He has his classic flashes of brilliance. Also Crosby's assist on that goal went to. . .Craig Adams. Three centers on the ice? Sure.
WOW WE FUCKED UP
Pens let one in. Tipped in by Tyler Seguin
PAR FOR THE COURSE
Kunitz picks up a sick rebound as he is wont to do. Hashtag Olympic Gold Medalist Chris Kunitz.
mini story of the season is Crosby and Kunitz having a big deal goal scoring competition. 32 fucking goals
Ray Whitney's stick gets slashed. We love Ray Whitney but apparently Chris Kunitz. He is the oldest human but we still love him. Everyone talks about Teemu and Jagr but Whitney is his own kind of old man superstar.
Stars don't score though. w/e. period ends.
RCN, my broadband provider, who had a brief outage and caused me to entirely miss the third Penguins goal.
Stempniak manages to score while entirely horizontal:
He gets up like OMG I DID IT CHRIS I DID IT. Adorable.
Well that's one really good line we've got there. 3-1.
As soon as my connectivity is restored, people start punching each other in front of Zatkoff. which is a sign
The Stars get a PP late in the second. I missed most of that period because of Internet issues. I'm sorry but the records indicate it wasn't overly important. Yeah, it's that kind of stretch of the regular season. Third periods are where you make it. It's not how you start it's how you finish.
The Stars start the period on the PP and immediately get a shot. Stempniak's first goal as a Penguin looms large though.
However, guess who: Sid makes it 4-1 like it was possibly the easiest thing in the world. It's a mistake to feel doom prematurely. Really quick play off the faceoff. Sid beat Vern Fiddler to the puck. He had the post potential on this play. Really that whole line. It's our only line. Stand on it.
SPECIAL TROPHY FOR NONSENSE
Garbutt takes a penalty and the Stars get a 2 on 1 which, when they don't score on it, someone decides to interfere with Zatkoff. It was Eakin. Eakin is trash. Everyone punches each other after this. Dillon and Kunitz end up going to the box over it. Pens still have a PP.
Nothing happens really out of that until the Stars have a flurry and Gibbons goes down big time to block a shot and ends up in the locker room. He's fine though. No one panicked. Not even one person.
Zatkoff makes some big saves and continues to look like he knows what is going on, including one Roussel on a breakaway.
Gene took a penalty with about 9 minutes left, so this is the real test here.
FINALLY WE MADE SOMEONE ELSE LOOK FOOLISH
Brandon, damn you.
Breaks away on the PK and it barely gets through Lehtonen but Lehtonen puts it in with his own feet. Gibbons with a troll move to knock it further into the net. And it's 5-1.
The Pens finally look like the dick-swinging champions we know they can be. It's alarming, because it tends to go to their heads, but the Stars are having a mess of a week already. That really almost didn't go in even though Sutter's move was sick as hell.
Eakin decides he wants to continue to try to murder Jeff Zatkoff by interfering with him. Stars celebrate like they have a goal after they shoot the puck into the net but I mean. . .yeah that's not a goal.
Pens got another PP out of that on Garbutt. Pens run Goc on the PP. Trying to get him his first as a Penguin like Stempniak. Olli and Niskanen prevent a breakaway the other way. All kinds of douchey stuff. Big save by Zatkoff on Goligoski (oh Alex).
not much else happening the rest of this one. We're done. We can go home. We beat the Stars. It means something. We think.
MOST GLORIOUS STUBBLE
FIRST CAREER ASSIST ON A CROSBY GOAL MOTHER FUCKERS
MOST LIKELY TO HAVE PICKED ALL THE UGLIEST LIPSTICK SHADES IN BARBIE MAGIC HAIR STYLER
Tyler Seguin, whose youth sized Bruins jersey I saw at Buffalo Exchange today for $15.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Robert Bortuzzo. Quietly had an assist and was a +2
2. Marcel Goc – we like what we saw from you sir
3. Brenden Dillon – yikes we have no idea who you are and you play like a dick full of nails
GO PENS Thursday we think
In memoriam again:
if you question the gleeful blood motif with our Petr Sykora narratives we question your dedication to our cause