soultaker

No idea what to say to begin this game.  We hate the Sens.  Everyone knows that.  All these games before the Olympic break have a background-level fever pitch.  We're just waiting to see how big of a trainwreck Sochi is going to be.  The Super Bowl already set the month of February 2014 underneath a rainbow sheen much like a slick of spilled gas in a Sheetz parking lot on 51.  It's going to be uncomfortable and broken and cold and sad.  But strangely enthralling.

okay I guess there's hockey on.  c'mon Pens get it together

INTERNATIONAL WELP TROPHY

Jimerson killed both anthems.  First shift, Pyatt went down the runway after some kind of leg thing.  It was hard to watch.

By the way, Kris Letang is still sick.  Steiggy says that he is undergoing "tests."  My friend Arielle started a hashtag:

 

terrifying

Brandon Sutter made a my-dick-is-enormous move around everyone but Anderson was there with the save.

MAF has an answer though sufficient to make Fleu-ry chants.  So far so good.

amazed that the first period is still happening.  Steiggy tries to make an argument about Ryan being kept off of team USA.  Hmmm wonder why they didn't call you Paul.  

Sutter has some kind of swagger in this game, though.  Most noticeable Penguin.

THEY SHOWED KRIS LETANG AND I DIDN'T GET A SCREENSHOT BUT APPARENTLY HE "DIDN'T LOOK SICK" THE CONSPIRACY DEEPENING BY THE MINUTE

MOST DOOM

Da Costa with a nasty move to put it past Fleury.

 

1-0 Sens.  you are so little Stephane

Penguins shortly thereafter get a power play.  The most exciting thing about the power play is Niskanen with an uncharacteristic turnover.  UNTIL. . .

Maatta with a blast from the point.  Deflected by Gibbons in the slot.  In your fucking mouth.

 

Gibbons is also small.  Both regulation goals from little guys.  it's good to see that shit

An important fight happens.  Bort and Zach Smith.  That was actually horrifying street violence.

it's like they saved everything useful for the end of the period and threw the fight in kinda like a secret shot of absinthe.  Gryba and Neal are totally high and take matching minors.  Maybe we can sober up for the second.  I'm going to go get a pulled pork sandwich in the interest of staying alive.

MOMENT IT WAS MY FAULT

Was distracted from pork by the arrival in my physical mailbox of NAIL POLISH, CREME EYESHADOW, AND TWO NATIONAL GEOGRAPHICS.  Hopeless.  March Recchi showed up, as always, surrounded by children. 

 

Pens are going to get another penalty after Mark Recchi appears, proving the positive karma of the Recchin' Ball and further delaying my pork.  Chris Neil's fault.  this photo above is so legit you can see a cat hair on my tablet case.  :(

The Sens kill it and then the Crosby line has a spirited shift but doesn't score.  Is this game really still happening and I don't even have my sandwich yet?  Seriously.  

Okay second intermission.  Pray for me.  Pray for the sandwich.  Can't even judge the flow of this game.  I'm overstimulated.  I feel drunk.

MOST LATE MAGAZINES

The third period shows up to the party wearing a really heinous dress.  But she's the guest of honor.  What are we to do?

Anderson is basically on automatic and we're starting to feel anxious, but he doesn't look unbeatable.  James Neal is basically shooting into logos.

Niskanen took a penalty.  Must be an off day for Matthew.  Maybe he didn't get his quarterly newsletter from the Jamie Benn Hair Club.

Brandon Sutter is getting all of his subscriptions about how fabulous his dick is because he drew a penalty.  Back to 4 on 4.  If the Pens would stop turning over the puck at weird moments Brandon probably would have scored twice by now.

MAF stones Marc Methot after the Sens get a shitton of momentum off the rush.  Circle that play.

NOPE NEVER MIND CIRCLE THIS ONE

MAF eyed Erik Karlsson's soul over breakfast this morning (his typical: frosted mini wheats with almond milk and a cherry juice box with a side of grapefruit).

Then he put Erik Karlsson's soul in his pocket and carried it to the edge of a glacier and lifted it out and showed it the expanse of ice and the shifting waters and then he dropped it over the edge

We can really only use .gifs and because we are too lazy to make .gifs and other people do them better, here is a fucking .gif.

Unreal save by MAF.  Karlsson literally fell to his knees in disbelief.  His soul is now in Arctic Ocean feeding on phytoplankton.  MAF drinks its tears, stones Spezza.

MOMENT THAT OKAY MAYBE IT WAS KIND OF JUST MAYBE???

Malkin got tripped ridiculously.  The Penguins apparently had seven skaters on while this happened.  The officials thought about calling it, then didn't, and maybe called it later?  We don't know.  Wait, never mind, they only called the too many men, but not the trip.

Hang onto your soul.  Bobby Ryan looks vaguely broken on this PP.  Karlsson looks like a man with nothing to lose.  But the Pens kill it.

Neal tries really hard on his next shift too but maybe he needs someone to make him a few Eggos to handle the stress.

Cory Conacher tries to get into a fight with Rob Scuderi not realizing that that's about as big a mistake as punching your dad.  Scuds is literally like "settle the fuck down."

The Malkin line is doing its best as well including those kind of ridiculous takeaways he specializes in but no dice yet.  We're still waiting on Justice.  It's somewhere, but we can't feel it.

MOMENT YOU ALMOST THOUGHT IT WAS GOING TO HAPPEN

Crosby, Malkin, Neal, Orpik, and Martin hop over the boards for the final minute.  All the passes are tape to tape or handily grabbed despite Sens being in the way.  You keep thinking Pauly is going to wind up for a one-timer and send everyone away.  Damn.  Malkin also skated around eight people.  Free point, though.

MOST LIKE A FUCKING WEAPON

The Penguins are basically playing like loaded shotguns.  Maatta tried to kill some people in Moon Township with his slapshot.  Crosby almost killed Anderson barreling into him.  Then Neal steals a puck.  To Malkin to Bortuzzo who drives the net and Neal basically dances gorgeously around the net to confuse pretty much everybody and unleash the kill shot.  Another gifset for you.

fuck you guys bye.

 

walked into the room you know you made my eyes burn

PENS WIN

2-1 OT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST SAVVY

Apparently there were player recipe cards given out at tonight's game.  Courtesy of @seangentille on Twitter:

 

this is a serious big deal fucking recipe and not for the faint of heart.

BEST HELPER

chris neil does a thing

 

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. MAF - uhhhhhhhh somehow he wasn't a real one

2. Brandon Sutter – tried real hard.  4 of the Pens' 48 fucking shots tonight (let it not be unsaid that Martin, Kunitz, and Neal had 6).

3. Bobby Ryan - your delicate confetti heart is actually a bomb. . .a bomb of love

jesus

go pens

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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