goodbye

sublimated aggression

Woe is us, NBC is on this afternoon.

But for once we actually need them to give us the basics straight because the haze of our Western journey has us out of touch with the playoffs.  Oh god.  We’re not ready for this at all.

We would rather play Detroit but it’s looking like Columbus and Jesus Fucking Christ, if the Pens play badly in that series, we’re rooting for CBJ.  Can’t have your cake and eat it too, motherfuckers.  HOWEVER, IF THE PENS COME OUT AND PLAY WELL, THEY WILL OBVIOUSLY DESERVE EVERYTHING THAT COMES TO THEM IN THE FUTURE.

We still don’t understand why there is no more playoff reseeding.  It seems rude.

Buckle up Baby or something

why is this happening to us right now

THE LAST THING YOU SEE BEFORE YOU DIE

When we are in bed dying of some horrible future disease we will ask our grandchildren to show us Pens highlights as we fade away and inevitably some clip of Sid being interviewed by Pierre will be shown and we will just fucking die.

MOST SOBER SCREAMING YOU’VE DONE IN WEEKS

Early on there was a scary brief moment near MAF, but the Pens actually accelerated the other way and managed to turn a 2 on 2 into an almost 3 on 1.  Jussi shot the puck and it went in behind Mason.  We’re sorry Stevey except not really.

1-0

The Flyers then skate out Hal Gill as some kind of private joke.

WHEN THE BOY BECAME A MAN

Flyers had like a 2 on 1 in front of Fleury and Bort took away the pass.  The Flyers are garbage but the Pens look like a team, which seems to count for something Intangible In The Month Of April.

GOAL YOU SAW COMING FROM EIGHT THOUSAND MILES AWAY

Neal decided to try to decapitate Matt Read though and we’re reminded of how we ended up at the bottom of this well in the first place.

The Flyers run a PP.  Giroux dives to keep the puck in and the puck goes to Jakub Voracek, who dances absolutely perfectly around every single human being.

bye

and now it’s a regular shooting gallery.

but we get out of it 1-1

this intermission is approximately a thousand years long, too.

BIGGEST CHANCE WE HAVE TO NOT SUCK

Streit interferes with Jokinen off the faceoff and the Pens proceed to kind of dick around on it.  Then the Pens ice it on the power play after doing Pretty Passing (c) for a quick minute.  Steve Mason is back in Streetwalker Mode and stopping every puck in sight.

Pens don’t do much on it, which means we better watch the fuck out for that mistake to haunt them.

Oh but wait–Steve Mason may have committed delay of game by covering the puck behind the net.  HILARIOUS.  Flyers try to be a douchebag and put Voracek in the box for a potential breakaway opportunity.  NBC announcers laud Berube’s dick move.

Flyers then screw up AGAIN, if you can believe it when Jokinen gets hooked.  Knowing the Pens, something bad could happen.  Jokinen hits the post, but other than that, nothing amazing is happening. Pens seem determined though that this isn’t the end of the rodeo.  They are actually working hard in the offensive zone.  Flyers have no shots since they’ve scored in the first period.  It’s been almost 12 minutes in the second and no shots for the Flyers.

They are so angry.  Pens almost score.  Megna has a hell of a shift.  And Crosby almost scores off of a backhand from the fucking faceoff dot, what?

who is this team

what have you done with the 2013-14 Pittsburgh Penguins

OH NEVER MIND YOU COCK MOUTHS

Voracek in front of the net.  Are you fucking serious?

“cock mouth” is a slur I usually reserve for people in SUVs who almost hit me when I’m stepping off of a curb with the walk sign in my favor so you know this is fucking bad.

YOU TRIED

Penguins go hard to the net and almost kill Steve Mason since Megna decided to cross check a Flyer in the face and then into Mason.

Mason was down for several minutes.  Very scary.  Megna will probably get sent to Wheeling now or something and we’ll never see him again.  Megna gets penalized, Voracek almost gets the hat trick on the ensuing PP.  Pens kill it.  One more minute to get out of this accursed period.  Don’t fuck this up.

Flyers apparently hook someone with 41 seconds left.  Wouldn’t it be nice if they managed to score one before the period ends? Not to be a total Paul Steigerwald about this period or anything.

Instead it just becomes the Sean Couturier Ball Gargling Session.  Which is fine.  The horn sounded.  Let’s regroup.

MOST SHAMEFUL

To open the third period?  The Flyers have ten fucking shots.  And the Flyers change out Mason for Ray Emery because Mason is still too rocked I guess.

blah blah blah.  Letang frees his mane to try to attack Hartnell and Tanner Glass tries to go to prom with Luke Schenn.  Hartnell had actually tackled Letang though.  Hartnell takes a penalty and so does Letang.  Sounds about right.

4 on 4 time.  Simmonds is being very foul mouthed and Pierre’s mic is picking it up.  When it’s back to 5 on 5 nothing has happened except crying.

BEST DICK SWINGING

Crosby and Neal make some magic happen after Letang works hard to keep a puck in.  Passes a ridiculous backhand pass to Neal who is wide open.  Snipejob.  RAY EMERY.

2-2

sure thing

MOMENT RITUAL SACRIFICE SEEMED LIKE A GREAT IDEA

Voracek passed to Giroux on a zone entry and it went in off the post.

3-2

1:15 left, jesus

DON’T START TOUCHING EACH OTHER’S DICKS JUST YET FELLAS

Pens grab their sacs and compete.

Letang and Neal drive the net and a scramble in front leads to Tanger poking it in.

Okay, it’s good to have Letang back.  Even the folks who hate his contract have to admit.

aaaand we’re going to OT.

But before that we have to have some kind of line brawl.  Glass and Voracek are the only ones who go to the box somehow.

The whole playoff situation is a hot mess.  Just let it fester.  And by the way this is actually 3 on 3 in OT.

MOST SOBBING

Letang was wide open in front of Emery and did a nifty backhander but Emery handled it.

oh okay though, Pens had a hiccup and the Flyers scored.

whatever we’re done here

4-3 Flyers

Flyers lock the Rangers for the first round.  Hope they just murder each other vigorously.

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

MOST MYSTERY: DOES THIS MAN USE A STRAIGHTENER OR NOT?

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

1. Kris Letang – never thought we’d see the day

2. Paul Martin – 25 minutes of love

3. everyone, Jayson Megna took a penalty that may have put Stevey out of the game for the Flyers For Realsies (which sucked) BUT HE ALSO SKATED MORE THAN 10 MINUTES

go Pens, in your dreams

tomorrow is going to be horrible

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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