The Phil Kessel Campaign for Real Beauty

Yeah, we're starting this.

Poor Phil Kessel.  We realize all of this jabbing at his not-exactly-GQ-model-like brand of manliness is out of love, but we think this is starting to get out of control.  See: this list from the Buzzfeed Community.

Speculation: the Team USA Shop doesn't make Phil Kessel shirts widely available because he isn't considered pretty enough.  Thoughts?  This is the highest-scoring American player heading into the Olympics and fucking Ryan Callahan has a t-shirt in the national shop?  He isn't even in the top 30.

We just want Phil Kessel to know that we love him for exactly who he is.  And honestly, these portraits were poorly lit and unfortunate.  Who the hell did USA Hockey hire to take these?  How is this person employed as a portrait photographer?  We really hope they don't do weddings.







poor Phil

Phil the Thrill is still a hilarious nickname for him though and we want it to continue.

You do you Phil.  please just be your own special brand of qt.  you were born this way.

After his natural hat trick and generally flawless display of his offensive skill set against Slovenia today, they HAVE to sell us a shirt with his fucking name on it, right?


We hope this conveys our message that everyone is beautiful in their own way.

Can you also tell that I have Photoshop again?  for real

We're pretty sure there's no one alive that couldn't make that jersey look positively sexual, though, tbh.  Fucking 1960 throwbacks get them with every fucking name on them and put them sensually on our bodies THEY LOOKED SO GOD DAMN GOOD

Notes of the day:

  • Russia and Slovakia could not buy a goal.  Both teams played strangely.  Russians kept getting injured and the Russian coaching has been a little bit bizarre, particularly on special teams.  Slovakia is just a giant question mark.  They didn't come together this tournament at all despite having good players in their lineup.
  • Canada and Finland are tied in the third period right now.  GO SUOMI BEAT CANADA grrrrrrrr bears or something Olli Maatta is the best Teemu Selanne is the best and we even like Tuukka Rask and Tuomo Ruutu.  We'll be back to you with the results of that game.



go boys go

go USA



About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.