Time to start a new win streak at home, assholes. Though let’s be honest, we will literally never get used to Ryan Mill saying “Pangggwinnns.” Still in our house. Bobby between the benches. Michel Therrien still the Habs’ big boss man. And Jeff Jimerson IN HIS FUCKING ELEMENT. It just isn’t hard to get it up for Habs games. The Habs have that insidious way of making us extremely pissed off and nostalgic. It’s in our blood.
Word breaks over the airwaves that the Habs have the flu going around. It is not a sexy flu. Awards I guess. Our ire is real.
ONLY BITTERSWEET RETURN
Douglas Murray has returned to Consol Energy Center. We’re into it. We don’t know how he got so easily over to the other side. Do the people of Montréal traditionally accept Swedes into their fold? What about gentlemen with such large heads? Seems uncouth.
Paul Martin managed to deflect a Pacioretty shot on a semi-breakaway. UNF AMERICA UNF
CEC actually sounds loud. Is everyone having feelings or did ROOT get new mics?
Kobasew followed this all up with an unsexy mistake and high sticked someone. The Habs get a PP, which is handily killed. Praise the lord. Crosby and Kunitz saw some PK time. Immediately after Price robs Maatta and Kobasew. Ugh Carey go party in the club and bum smokes for Canada.
BEST THING TO EVER FUCKING HAPPEN
Malkin escaped from Markov at the blueline and drew Price, who squared to Malkin’s shot. Instead he fed the trailer, and Jokinen had a wide-open cage. BOOOOOM
Feels like the Pens haven’t had a game in eight years. The Panthers game barely counts.
Next shift Malkin flips on God Mode and decides he wants more from Carey. Subban can’t handle it with his big boy pants on and goes to the box for trying to impale Jokinen with his stick and some assorted slashing with a machete.
ROOT can’t resist a tight shot of Letang’s hair instead of fully showing the zone entry. Habs kill is doing the job.
MOST DELICIOUS SECOND CHANCE
Habs did something else stupid and the Pens immediately got another power play. Crosby took his turn on God Mode and beat 3 people to the puck to get it on net. They buzz around a bit on the second unit and Pyatt puts his giant ass in front of the net, which lets Niskanen unleash his balls on a hell of a shot. Possibly redirected by Sutter or Pyatt. WHATEVER
finally we are making people pay for playing like dicks
BIZARRE THING THAT HAPPENED
We have to waste some time because the Habs apparently scored a goal. It came in and out really fast and apparently no one saw it. Some broken human beings decide to boo the call.
there is definitely not a real photo of this goal.
the rest of the period is about as exciting as eating lead paint. Brooks Orpik interfered with somebody.
the most interesting thing we realize is that Daniel Briere’s corpse is still walking around, acting like it’s all alive and shit.
MOST FINNISH BABIES
The second begins with some can’t-miss action. I can’t get up to get my steeping mint tea because someone could score at any minute and even if they weren’t, the timbre of Steigerwald’s voice suggests grave danger. Teams exchanging good shifts.
Maatta did a delicious fake-pass while driving down the wing to Jussi who rifled it.
jesus so fucking beautiful and perfect and Finland and
The Habs fail to score on a couple good chances and PK gets bent out of shape again.
Letang with some bizarrely proficient shot pass to Sid who tips it in. Like it was painfully beautiful. Letang’s hair is full of secrets. Sid is just perfect. The whole play was just perfect
Thereafter, some French guy gets upset at James Neal for playing hockey, and the Pens go immediately back to the PP. oh okay
MOST EXPLICIT CANADA ON CANADA PORN
Crosby receives an absurd pass and has a semi-break on Price, and Price flashes a glove. Maple syrup oozes out of some giant dick in Nunavut.
Neal takes a puck to the face after the penalty expires. That’s scary–but not as scary as
MOST CASUAL DEATH
Malkin waltzes in on Price and gently applies a puck underneath his body. It was so gentle and casual and polite and yet full of unspeakable swagger and
Price has died. The king is dead. Long live the king: Peter Budaj.
5-1 Pens. We’ve been on the other side of this giant razor wire fence before. It’s only the second period though. Beware.
There is something about this team, though, that seems less poised on the edge of a great precipice than other post-Cup teams. Maybe we can hold this lead. Maybe we won’t act like massive assholes later.
Then again, Kobasew apparently just went down the runway, too. This is our penance. The third period could be dangerous.
The Habs come out flying for the third and draw a penalty. Neal and Kobasew are back. . .late on the Habs PP, Pacioretty has a great chance on MAF, but MAF shows the glove.
Pens seem determined to score one on Budaj. Lots of up and down action that is strangely simulating tension in a 5-1 game.
Habs decide that Brooks Orpik is public enemy #1 and there is a scrap of sorts. Orpik may have gotten sucker punched. MAF tries to fight Budaj. Both goalies have their gear off but the officials are like NO NO NO. Crosby didn’t want MAF to do it. But MAF’s mean streak (about the size of a juice box) wants a piece of Budaj so bad. Errey describes the incident as a “donnybrook” which is potentially the best word to ever come into creation.
unfortunate Heinz placement by Fleury’s bum IMO
Fleury chants rain down. Shitton of penalty minutes are assigned and it ends with the Pens on a PP. Brooks was apparently ejected for getting hit by someone else, as per usual. Why Brooks was assigned a game misconduct is a mystery, like a Dead Sea Scroll, that is delicate and beautiful and not to be touched too hard, according to NHL officials worldwide.
Power play flies by like it was never there. Probably for the best.
finally it’s over
finally the true gods can rise
CUTEST (AS IN, LIKE A BUTTON)
this is a cell phone photo of my Nexus 7 which is what I am unapologetically watching the game on. Deal with it.
Olli Maatta is the cutest on all mobile devices.
We still don’t know where this child comes from.
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. MAF – for MAF-ing
2. Olli – for Finn-ing
3. Budaj – for trying
Fun fact: I fell asleep sitting up 3 times while writing this. Too much excitement for one night. GO PENS