village of horrors

Another 10pm game, another "wtf this is usually almost my fucking bedtime" from your resident pseudo-ancient correspondents.  I'm in my early 20's and the rowdiest thing I've done so far in 2014 is pilfer a bottle of pink André from a weird sad upstairs new year's party.  Maybe the Pens can help me.  Maybe it's time to go rogue and mix fancy ginger ale with rye while I wait for GameCenter to start.

We don't know much about Edmonton except that it's in Alberta and sadder than Calgary.  At least its hockey team isn't a total fucking dumpster fire (maybe 5/8 dumpster fire).  Maybe this will be fun.

Edmonton is the only NHL team (other than the Pens obviously) that Sidney Crosby has not scored against.  There was probably some kind of blood sacrifice at the hotel.

MOST NECESSARY DRAMATIC SHOT OF SID HAVING FEELINGS ABOUT CANADA

 

O Canada.  This shot may have been conjured during the blood sacrifice.

LEAST WONDERFUL ACQUISITION

You know, all the ladies love Taylor Pyatt's face but we just can't even get a semblance of a hard-on for him.  Especially when he is skating minimal minutes and just taking penalties.  Hopefully now that we've called him out in our extremely important internet blog he will get his shit together.

Pens kill the penalty though and the game goes back to being boring.  Thank goodness.  Not sure if anyone is even at this game.  Hello, Canada?  HELLO?  "like a ping pong match right now" says Bobby.  More or less, but not Olympic level table tennis.  like shitty.  Table tennis does have the potentiality to be some edge-of-your-seat action.

FIRST MOMENT SOMETHING HAPPENED

Yakupov got free and actually had a decent chance on Zatkoff.  Emergency save.  A noise was faintly heard from somewhere deep inside the arena.  There might be live ones in here.

Kris Letang then took an interference penalty of some kind while back in his own zone on the PP and made that stupid Letang trollface that has all the Frenchness of the Despres trollface without any of the innocence, charm, or latent sanity.  No one knows what the actual penalty call is.  "Let's buckle up here and see if we get a little action on this 4 on 4" says Bob Errey as the Rexall Place timekeeper tries desperately to resolve some issue with the clock.  People start cheering.  We can hear breathing.

 

garageleague​ with the flawless screen grab of this important emotional moment

ASIDE: THE REXALL PLACE ANNOUNCER GUY SOUNDS LIKE SOMETHING OUT OF A LASSIE MOVIE WTF

Bobby is now talking about the relative quality of the ice in Edmonton here as opposed to now, currently, when the ice is apparently trash.

NO ONE CAN FIGURE OUT THE CLOCK

WE WOULD LIKE TO AWARD THE MOST KAFKAESQUE TERROR AWARD TO THIS FUCKING PERIOD wow is this the fucking Castle or something starring Kris Letang as Frieda

HUGEST BALLERS

Malkin steals a puck from some idiot behind the net like three times and then passes it to James Neal for a sharp angle elevated shot that takes Dubnyk by surprise.  PRAISE THE LORD

 

1-0 Pens.  The shade being thrown by Jeff Petry in this photo is unprecedented.  It will come back to us.  The blood sacrifice.  It all went wrong.  Jeff knows.

Oilers try to do things for a bit.  We continue to hear breathing from beyond the veil.

MOST PREMATURELY SUCCESSFUL BLOOD SACRIFICE

Sid comes down the wing and tries to pass to Kunitz in the slot but it goes off of Sam Gagne's skate and in.  Whoops.

 

2-0 Pens, and Sid takes his final victim

An Oiler tripped and I screamed.  His name is Arcobello.  Really.

The Oilers then force some turnovers after an extended shift in the offensive zone by the Pens because they were probably also getting really bored with life and couldn't deal with the softly falling snow and conflicting administrative information.

Steiggy, Bob, and Dan Potash had an extended conversation about elk meat and cabbage rolls.  We wish we were kidding.  "And they have nothing to grasp onto right now" – Bob Errey on the Oilers and their tactile skills.

For some reason Malkin and Dubnyk try to fight each other.  Dubnyk hits Malkin after Malkin kicks his stick away like a dick and Malkin hits back.  They have a bit of a scuff, so to speak.  Gene goes to the box for the initial stick-kicking penalty.  Welp Gene.

Gene received roughing, interference, and Dubnyk got roughing.  

BIGGEST SURPRISE

Apparently the Oilers have frigging ice dancers. oh

OCCASIONALLY YOUR DRAFT PICKS WILL DO SOMETHING NOW AND AGAIN

Ryan Nugent-Hopkins on the power play just before the Malkin penalty expires. And it's off to the races.  2-1

MOST EXPECTED KRIS LETANG

Pens get a PP and Letang is open and winds up for a big shot but misses the net.  SURPRISE

Niskanen with a rare huge turnover that leads to a chance for the Isles.  Then Kris Letang went full-on Frieda and tackled Taylor Hall while you're still remembering the last time he bitched at you about how you're not married yet.

YET AGAIN, ONE MIGHT EXPECT NUMBER ONE DRAFT PICKS TO DO A THING OR TWO

Engo turned the puck over which led to a rush the other way in which Taylor Hall got mad position on Jeff Zatkoff.

Fun fact: Franz Kafka's The Castle ends midsentence.  Let's hope the same fate does not befall us.

4 on 4 by the grace of god.  And then a 4 on 3 power play. . .

COLDEST MEDIEVAL WASTELAND

 

Pittsburgh timeout.

Then. . .WHAT THE FUCK FRIEDA

Kris Letang may be sleeping with your surveying assistant, but he sure can snipe it from up high.  Gagne gets a free pass to manhandle Letang because he's been manipulating us this whole time.

3-2 Pens

MOST SPIRITED

the ethereal "LET'S GO OILERS" chant as if from the grave.  Belov ties it.

god damn this country (by which we mean Canada)

what is this team can we stop doing it yet

first NHL goal for Belov, since we totally let those sorts feast on us.  Seriously the final four minutes of this game have been taking literal aeons.

Sutter took a late penalty.  Welp.

Can you tell that the "most spirited" isn't the Pens?

The Pens have some penalty to kill in the MOST IRRITATING OVERTIME OF 2014.  This is terrifying.

Orpik doing God's work on the PK, doing Amurrica proud.  Also Zatkoff with a huge save.  But the pens didn't get it out.

Then Nugent-Hopkins won it.

Craig Adams didn't clear the puck.

blghghghghghgh Admiral might be time to consider becoming more Zen

Pens lose in OT

INDIVIDUAL AWARDS

OF COURSE HE'S NOT FUCKING PICTURED GETTY IMAGES ARE YOU ON DRUGS

 

FINE ALBERTA BOY

got to go down to Red Deer and have a home-cooked meal A+ Canadian

ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS

Alternative three stars for this game have been suspended due to being lost in this girl's hair/soul/sucking vortex of the questions raised by this sign:

 

SPECIAL MEDAL FOR SUBTEXTUAL TOUCHING

 

awarded to Frieda for his caress of Ryan and also the Mysterious Hand

Calgary tomorrow.  I might be ill.

GO PENS

 

Zoë

About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. every Penguins season is like Amundsen vs. Scott in my head.

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