Okay you'll have to forgive me. This is the second time that I've missed part of the first period because I literally had no idea what time it was. This time it was important though. I was giving my cat a bath.
And I also managed to miss three fucking goals? What universe is this?
Chris Kunitz scored a big goal as he is wont to do. 45 seconds in. It's his 30th of the season. Olympic gold medalist etc.
EVEN MORE TYPICAL
Eric Fehr got a goal, too, about three minutes in. Hell of a pass by Chimera. We love Jason Chimera, actually, so we should probably be put out to pasture.
SHOCKINGLY, ACHINGLY, ORGASMICALLY TYPICAL
Malkin and Sid decided they were over that goal and Gene dished it. One timer. Sid was also probably over his linemate having more goals than he does, because it's also his 30th.
2-1 Pens k
And that about brings me up to speed with the world. This game is a GameCenter blackout. It's commercial break so it's probably a good time to tell you about how I had to get my cat shampoo out from behind my bedside table with my Andrew Murray game used stick. It dug well in the corner.
WHAT WHAT WHAT ARE YOU DOING
Brooks Orpik "came from behind" on Carlson as Dustin Penner was streaking in. The Caps have Pancakes? Right. We forgot. Brooksie, please.
yep that's him. you can smell him at 80 yards due to the maple-scented pheromones.
We're already envisioning a Slapshot-esque fantasy biopic of Brooks Orpik in his grey-haired, salt-and-pepper-stubble years captaining a scrappy beer league of divorcees and widowers just trying to find minor reasons to wake up in the morning.
Zatkoff with a big deal save on Ovechkin on the PK. Paul Steigerwald wept tears from his eyes saluted when Zatkoff made an additional save on Chimera on a break.
Pens get a PP but nothing happens on it really. Apparently Mike Green still sucks. And that about does it for the first period.
MOST JUICE BOXES
Zatkoff stopped Ovechkin at point blank range. Get that man a Juicy Juice. Malkin was the one who gave it away to Backstrom. When you're getting outworked on the boards by Nicklas Backstrom i'm pretty sure you're asleep.
For whatever reason the Pens keep letting the Caps run all over them. Crosby lost his stick and possibly tried to spoon with Dustin Penner. But going crotch-to-bum with Dustin Penner while bear hugging him is illegal, even if it may have saved a goal.
It would basically be the worst thing if the Pens allowed a power play goal in Verizon Center while Sid was in the box. They'd need to call the Red Cross in to provide relief effort after the semen flood. But they didn't. Caps are blocking all the shots. It's weird. It's like they think they're the Rangers.
Joe Vitale tried to play the puck and tripped Troy Brouwer instead. Are we done with this nonsense yet?
Craig Adams fell down immediately and blocked an Ovechkin slap shot with his skate. He looked like he had been shot.
We basically invited this. Laich and Backstrom
Why the siren? Why a sound that indicates illness, violence, crime, and fire?
Brouwer was later shown cross checking Kunitz b/c it's allowed.
Sid and Kunitz are, again, totally done with this. Crosby, Stempniak, and Kunitz make a beautiful passing play and Halak gives up a huge rebound to Kunitz who says HELLO with it.
some blah blah blah after that. Brooks Orpik decides to avenge his family buy running like a murderous freight train into Ovi.
WHO ARE YOU
as everyone is jobbing around to start the third, news drops that Rich Peverley has collapsed in Dallas. Lindy Ruff came out eventually and said he was okay but it was many tough minutes of panic. Best wishes to Dallas fans and Rich Peverley. The game was postponed until a later date. If you want to feel terrified and start sobbing you can watch the situation unfold here.
Meanwhile, the Pens go on a power play. Life is precious etc.
Steiggy says of a battle in the corner, "You can feel the body contact."
Please no. please not right now.
HONORARY TROPHY FOR BROADCASTING EXCELLENCE
God help us, if something even remotely like this ever happens at a Pens game we are going to burn Paul Steigerwald in effigy.
Major shoutout to the Fox Sports Dallas and Fox Sports Ohio teams for having chill, professional, intelligent announcers who are able to provide levity to a really scary situation in something that is supposed to be fun (hockey).
TIMELIEST THING THAT HAS EVER OCCURRED
Meanwhile, back at the Penguins game, Pens take a too many men penalty, up 3-2, with 2:17 remaining. Seriously.
Caps derp around a bit and then call timeout after Zatkoff has to stone Ovechkin. Halak and his white mask are on the bench. 6 on 4. Backstrom and Sutter to take the faceoff.
Pens kill it. Regulation win. METROPOLITAN DIVISION POINTS LOL
Rich Peverley, upon regaining consciousness after being worked on with a defibrillator, asked how many minutes were left in the period and wanted to go back in the game. No, he's not tough, he's fucking disoriented from having a CARDIAC EVENT and he's lucky to know where the hell he is and be able to make words and we're so happy he is still capable of speech.
Get well soon, Rich.
MOST LIKELY TO NOT BE IN THE YEAR 2011
ALTERNATIVE THREE STARS
1. Zatkoff. Huge, especially against the Caps' top scorers. Faced 33 shots.
2. Lee Stempniak. 2 assists on key Penguins goals for the top line.
3. Craig Adams. Isn't getting any younger but did his thing on the PK.
Tomorrow we have to do this again. So.