on your mark, get set, terrible.

On a typical game night the media struggles to provide us with photos of the actual goals that take place. Not so for the Stadium Series – the media shitriver can’t wait to wash these gemstones ashore.  While it would be fun to throw shade at the Stadium Series all day, we can’t waste our […]


Post coming later about the most pointless outdoor game (descending into tragedy) featuring an esoteric performance by a pop band we all happily forgot about until they were dredged back up like a bloated corpse of a long forgotten serial killing spree.

into the atmosphere.

Who’s that cruising at the bottom of the Atlantic, flopping around in pain occasionally, but mostly just silently swaying like a soggy corpse with concrete shoes? Why, it’s the Sabres, of course! Sometimes teams wake up and grab at your ankles, zombie like, while you are wading around feeling safe. It’s always a possibility that […]

return of the muskrats.

So sorry to keep you waiting, bitches. So last night things didn't go so great for the Penguins. It was a game wherein we just could have done better. But none of that really matters…what matters is that we take time to remember that the "Phoenix Coyotes" are a sham team. Ever since PH Staff bought […]

frozen treats.

If you thought tonight’s game was boring as shit, you clearly weren’t watching close enough. Had you looked a little harder, you would have realized that the entire event was a simulation, organized by the league because Sidney Crosby “really wasn’t feeling it” and Kris Kunitz “needed some rum raisin” or he was “literally going […]

sd;fjasdlkjfha;, and other eloquent words for emotions.

Games like this are the kind you have to strap in for, stiff drink in hand. Playing the Isles most likely means a high scoring game and maybe a fight or two. They’re fun games, in that annoying oh-my-god-I-can’t-breathe sort of way. Tavares is a monster, tbqh, and Okposo is probably all weepy about being […]

box of spiders.

Sometimes disasters happen. Disasters are slightly more likely to occur when your team has only played one game in eight days, or when you trust unlicensed dental practitioners. Luckily only one of those were our problem today. Choose your disasters wisely.  We don't really think it's fair to give out awards on such an evening – […]

omens and signs

Before the game today, Zoe decided to get inspirational and sent me this: I have decided it is a sign. Or an omen. Or it’s a message that this is all a fleeting dream and we will wake up with the misfortune of being Flames fans and we should cherish every moment. Who knows. I […]

reason enough to stay up late

First and foremost, to hell with the west coast. Why are we expect to stay up until god-knows-when in the morning just so they can get their jollies at the right time? Petition for west coasters to have to deal with games being a little bit earlier so we can all get to bed on […]


Oh hey there. I am sick and sitting here in a robe and I am about to be super unfunny at you. The Pens are playing the Rags, they’re kicking ass all over town, and tonight will probably not be an exception. If anything, this can be a fun break on your dash from all […]

let the nightmares commence.

First and foremost:Plz no. Just…no. Nooooooooooooooo hockey is a funtimes gameeeeeee.Let’s just get to the awards. Our nightmares will catch up with us later. MOMENT YOU WONDERED IF SANTA IS AS DEAD AS GODAt the start of the game Glencross tries to hit Maatta behind the net and something goes wrong with his life. His leg […]


The Pens are sharing air with Zoe in Boston tonight. Quickcap tonight – we're busy people sometimes because we have lives but life always takes a few hours to pause for hockey. Especially when you have a disease that makes you claw your own eyes out if you miss a game.  MOST DESERVING OF BEING […]

cousin robby ftw

Playing the Isles is kinda like getting drunk with your relatives in the way that it can go really super well and be a total riot and a memory you will cherish forever, or it can devolve into one of the absolute worst nights of your life pretty much instantly. Or it can end with […]

stress boner

The lines were gettin' switched up at practice today so it'll be fun to see what happens during this game. Gibbons is shrouded in mystery but we do know that he's shorter than Kim so that's pretty cute. BeauBeau is playing next to Sid and we have stars in our eyes as we write his name […]


The Preds have a weak offence and are generally not something we worry too much about, but in the wake of losing to the Flyers who are basically corpses in skates, we’re not taking anything for granted. Paul*Mart is a Thing that is worth being excited about. We missed his beautiful shining American face. LAMESTIt […]