the aftermath

“If Bill Guerin were here…”“Man, Billy would be givin’ it to us…”“…bet he’s lovin’ that dock he’s livin’ on.” This is all James Neal heard as he walked into the locker room.Disgusted, he threw his gloves against his locker. He ripped his jersey off over his head. He unlaced his skates in a fury. Fuck […]


we are like kind of legit

You know, we always forget about the Blues. We don’t know why. They’ve been around awhile. It probably has something to do with the fact that Missouri is just a fucking unlikely place for a hockey team. We’ll say even more unlikely than Phoenix or Atlanta or SUNRISE, FLORIDA, or Tampa Bay. It just seems […]

like we’re gonna deal with this right now

And I had so much material written about the minutiae of this game! Alas, I wasn’t going to use it unless we had a chance. And as soon as we pulled Fleury it was pretty much decided that they were going to get the EN and not only kill god, but possibly disprove the existence […]


on a cliffside in a blizzard

We’re pretty sure we made Max Talbot cry last night so that’s the sum achievement of the Penguins against the Flyers this season, aside from a badass play by Malkin and Tyler Kennedy we guess. We (PH Staff) were at the game last night and seeing that moment from Max and the Pittsburgh fans prompted […]


jordan is clearly the superior staal

Hello, friends. I hope you all had a lovely $WINTERHOLIDAY, whichever one you may happen to celebrate. I had a good Christmas, except for the part on Christmas Eve where my mother-in-law and I split a box of Franzia and I woke up to a very hungover Christmas morning. However, I am much recovered. Just […]


We got you this. We didn’t know what else to get you. Happy Holidays, bitches. wooo

snickerdoodles and whiskey

. . .was my sustenance during this game. This game began with a Stain. We were always of the belief that Winnipeg, as a Canadian city, was at least as deserving as the Southern American sprawl of Atlanta in terms of requiring a hockey team. (I mean remember the time the ASG was in Atlanta, […]


The Penguins were kind of in a weird place where they didn’t look 100% like a real hockey team all the time and there were all these depressing stats about how the Pens lost every single game ever to every team that has ever been worthy of the playoffs. Well, tonight the Pens hung with […]



We remember you, you asshole. We remember thinking that if you just suffered and blew it for a few more years, you’d be ready to win the Cup. Then you got it up too early and somehow got faced with the task of facing MICHAEL LEIGHTON in a Stanley Cup Final. It was all over. […]


the night we made ryan miller cry

Hello, friends. Tonight’s recap will not be written in rhyming couplets, because I think I may have broke my rhyme muscle with that last one. Also, I’m slightly mad, because my dear TKhusband will be at this game with one of our friends, and I am clearly not joining them at the CEC tonight. He’s […]


the destruction of a dream

Earlier today when you heard that Malkin and Staal were BOTH game-time decisions, you probably had two schools of thought on the matter. One was: fuckkkkkkkk. The other was: WHAT IF WE MARCH INTO THAT ARENA AND BEAT THEM IF JOE VITALE IS OUR TOP LINE CENTER!!!!!!! Luckily, Malkin and Staal played, but there wasn’t […]

it’s not all in your head

Today’s the day that we receive news about Crosby, who didn’t go on the team’s last road trip and had no intention of playing from the outset. He met the media this afternoon and said words we’re all pretty familiar with. No timetable for return. He wants to be at 100%. He doesn’t feel bad, […]


with apologies to clement clark moore

‘Twas a cold night in Nassau when the Penguins arrivedTo challenge those jerks on the Islanders’ side.Their fans are obnoxious, the beer’s overpriced,And the floor’s super sticky. There’s probably mice. But we Penguins faithful will watch every game.Location’s no biggie, we’ll tune in the same.Join me (in my Snuggie) and Zoë (with a drink)As we […]



I dare say I am cursed.Some amazing games have been happening recently. Where have I been for those recaps? Probably doing something elicit. Or, more realistically, sleeping, seeing as I am Old now and I am often ready to be tucked in shortly after the final buzzer. My quick turnaround from world traveling hockey fanatic […]


the truth you already know about NHL realignment: it sucks

Not that we have a lot of journalistic sway here in this land, but we couldn’t agree more with Seth Rorabaugh of Empty Netters and his post about the NHL realignment. The days of the regular season fucking mattering to anyone seem to be over. The idea of being mentally “in it” to make the […]