Staal Brothers Drinking Game

Hi all, we’re not smashed yet, don’t worry. The game hasn’t started yet! Please keep checking back here (i.e. obsessively refreshing this page) for updates on the game. But first, we’re going to tell you what we are doing. We are liveblogging the Staal Brothers Drinking Game. You can play this in any game involving two of the following: Penguins, Rangers, or Hurricanes. If Jared makes the NHL we’ll amend that. Anyway.

We are playing with rules we have invented, which we will list below. If you have any suggestions, please leave them in the comments.

Drinking begins at puck drop. If there is anything during pre-game, you’re just going to have to bite your tongue because you at least want to generally remember the game, don’t you? Well, maybe not. It is MSG. But we kind of want to know the result without having to check Tuesday morning.

Single shot to be taken if:
– it is mentioned that the Staals are brothers
– if it is mentioned that there are other Staals, not present, who are also in the NHL
– if a phrase such as “sibling rivalry” is used
– if it is pointed out that BOTH STAALS ARE ON THE ICE
– if anyone mentions the sod farm
– if any random facts are introduced about the present Staals or the Staal family
– if the Staal parents are mentioned
– if any Staal reference occurs that would simply not occur in a one-Staal game

Doubleshot to be taken if:
– a comparative Staal brother graphic is shown on the screen
– if they are verbally compared AT LENGTH by the announcers (use your own discretion in deciding what “length” is)
– if a video clip of the brothers/family is shown
– if an interview with a Staal brother happens at intermission (add an additional shot if the Staal brother is asked anything about playing against his brother)
– if the Staal parents are in attendance (this cancels out taking a single shot if the parents are mentioned, but not if they are mentioned separately from the fact that they are in attendance)

If you’re playing an advanced version of this game, you can mix yourself a drink and keep it nearby.
You can work on the mixed drink if:
– there is an intermission feature on the Staal brothers
– there is a mention of a Staal on Staal play, such as a Staal delivering a crushing check on another Staal, or a Staal being stripped of the puck by another Staal
– if the game is over and the team you were rooting for shit its pants

Stop if you feel sick/want to stop. We will not be held responsible for any shit that happens to you playing this game. You play at your own risk, kids.

Aaaaaand. . .let the mayhem begin! This page will be updated LIVE starting at 7PM.
This could be the best blogging idea ever, or the worst. Or both. We hope to entertain ourselves and others. Stay tuned.

6:57pm – We are apparently on Puck Daddy. Holy goddamn shit.

Almost time.

7:03pm – Versus sucks at everything. They just talked about the Staals before puck drop. We had to restrain ourselves. Oh lord. Oh lordddd.

7:08pm – Versus talking about Marc Staal again. Shots are poured. Drop the puck already.

7:11pm – Talbot ruining lives. Did we just take a penalty? Max? Please? Don’t do it.

7:12pm – Nigel Dawes can eat my huge dick.

7:13pm – TK is acting like hero, Fleury’s puck control looked good, Rags with some turnovers. At least we look awake. Don’t brag about beating the Isles, jaggoffs. Rags icing, Therrien watchful, blah blah blah. I hate mac computers.

7:16pm – Petr Prucha will let us see if Pittsburgh can even score on four minutes of power play. Orpik’s face is bloody? Prucha’s soul will be bloodier.

7:18pm Crosby is acting like a god damned hero. Grea chances and drawing some fucking penalties. That’s what we like to see. Stop sucking Lundqvist’s cock, our PP looks like jesus.

7:20pm – what are we reviewing? Stop sucking New York dick, Versus.

7:21pm – first shot of the night. They are brothers, everyone!

7:22pm – If we don’t score on this, it is fucking embarrassing.

7:24pm – Penalty on Jordan Staal, two for interference. AGAINST HIS BROTHER TIMES TWO. Two shots. Oh man.

7:25pm – Apparently we’re not in Thunder Bay. Too many shots to count. Help.

7:27pm – It gets worse and worse. Our inability to score on 5 on 3 as well as the alcohol consumption. We need to take two more before the game comes back.

7:31pm – 4 on 4. Versus hasn’t commented on it. Kim is feeling it already. The alcohol, that is.

7:34pm – Dustin Jeffrey is the only person who cares.

7:36pm – Take a shot when Versus stops sucking Lundqvist’s cock. You will be sober for the rest of your life. Dupuis is being amazing. Zoe is yelling at the television. Mark Eaton is a ballsack. I am fucking grossed out by smirnoff. Steve Mason is srsly the rookie of the year. We love that man. Something about icing, fuck off.

7:40pm – Versus knows nothing. NOTHING. More Jager would be nice now. We’re eating chips. It’s great.

7:43pm Kennedy fails at forehand backhand. This game is terrible.

7:44 Zoe is giving me game theory, which means in about two shots I will start screaming about how farm teams are the most important thing in the world of hockey and how no one knows the WBS team like I do. I might also cry about Gonch. Or that might just be a whiskey thing. Orpik is a leader. MAF IS BURGLING THESE FUCKERS WOOOO.

7:47 – No goal. Bitches. Eat our huge dicks. The Rangers have a late power play. BOOOOOO I DON’T KNOW THE RULES OF HOCKEY OMG OMG OMG OMG. This is pathetic. Actually it’s our PP, the announcers said everything incorrectly. Big surprise. What was Fleury doing out there? Good lord. I hate it when power plays extend to the next period. . .it totally snakebites the PP.

7:52pm – Brian Engblom is a cocksucker. The hugest cocksucker this side of the Mississipi. His cocsucking is legendary. Oh my god.

7:54pm – Why are they calling Rick Nash? Help.

8:07pm – We just ran to the store. We’re back. Can we score or something? Apparently not.

8:10pm – Christopher, you forgot about Crosby’s nice ass. Scuderi had a giveaway? I think Versus made that up. We commit icing. Scuderi is virtuous. Shut your mouths.

8:11pm – Rangers commit hooking? Kim wants to know if we need to take a shot now. Help. Sorry, we committed hooking. No idea what’s going on.

8:13pm – The fact that we don’t know what’s up is because this game is balls. It has nothing to do with our drunkenness. Fleury stands tall. We need a shot. Come on Staal brothers!

8:18 – Christine Simpson thinks we’re playing strong. The Versus staff is probably not happy with that.

8:22pm – Versus prays for commercial breaks. The announcers’ skills can’t sustain an icing call.

8:23 – You probably don’t realize how ridiculous Zoë is at this point because her typing skills are pretty great when drunk. She corrects typos and everything. Clearly she is not drunk enough. She is also talking about herself in the third person at this point, which is terrible.

8:26pm – Malkin drew a penalty. Can we score on the power play? Have we scored on the power play in like seven million years? Crosby just took a penalty as soon as I typed that. Something terrible is happening. At least the Pens thrive on 4-on-4.

8:29pm If you were not aware, Whits has a contract with announcers much like Hal Gill does. When Hal Gill is mentioned, as we all know, it needs to include ‘big,’ ‘long stick,’ or how tall he is. We realize that when Whits is mentioned, it must be said that his HEAD IS UP. Otherwise the announcers owe him a beer or something.

8:33pm – If we could score, or if we could mention the Staal brothers. . .it would be the best thing ever.

8:35pm – Matt Cooke just got a penalty for being Matt Cooke. Maxime Talbot natural hat trick in the third. We’re calling it. They just fucking scored? What the fucking fucking motherfucking fuck? Oh my god. Worst game ever.

8:38pm – We’re breaking out the Disaronno. HOPE. Yes. Delay of game. Hahahahahahahahaha. What a worthless waste of chromosomes.

8:40pm “Staal, Jordan that is.” This would not have been said in a one Staal game. Read the rules. Shot. Speaking of shots, MAF stands tall. End period. Third period team?

8:48pm – Intermission interview = double, bitches. He wasn’t asked about playing with his brother. Damnit. Well, whatevs, Zoe is fucking drunnnk. She doesn’t drink at school for some reason and she is very, very small. She just said, and I quote, “My sobriety seems so long ago.” Yeah. Thanks to my alcoholic roommates and the fact that I’m a fucking amazon (if you haven’t noticed on various CMNFs) I am mostly fine. Mostly we can’t believe that we haven’t scored yet. Fuck it. We love the Pens. They’ll do it. Eventually.

8:55pm – SHOW US YOUR V!!! No thanks versus. God damnit Zoe just spilled soda everywhere. What the fuck. We’re outshooting, Goalz pleaz?

9:02 – No idea what’s going on. This game is gross.

9:03pm – A penalty of some kind. We are going to a game tomorrow. Do you realize that? Why is Kennedy in the box. Tripping? The President does not deserve to be in the box.

9:05pm – I, Zoë, am not ashamed to be drunk at this point. I am drunk. God help me. This is the most tragic third period I have seen in a long time.

9:07pm – Zoe has not yet noticed that I have not taken my past two shots. This is because I don’t think I want to be hungover for my dentist appointment and our drive to the game tomorrow. What do YOU think? Lemme get up a quick sidebar poll. Comment on the game? No thanks. Are you watching it? Vomit city.

9:10pm – We haven’t given up yet. We just need to get something into the net. 9 minutes is plenty of time.

9:14pm – Fuck. THE SLEW OF STAALAGE. She has noticed I’m not drinking. Polls are closed. I am fucked.

9:16pm – I fucking need it now anyway. What the hell. 3-0. Fuccccccck.

9:17PM – OH GOD. ANOTHER SHOT. Zoe just said something about we have to score every two minutes to tie. Oh lordy.

9:19pm this game is such bad news. This is terrible terrible bad news. I hate my life. If Lundqvist has a shutout I will commit suicide. We are drunk/ Oh my godddd.

9:22pm – Sorry, I let Zoe comment. Powerplay. Time out. Whatevs.

9:25pm – Orr and Godard are going at it. Oh, and you saw the goal. Whatever. We love he penguins and we will still have loads of sex with them. Zoe almost passed out but I yelled at her.

9:30 – Zoe doesn’t even remember the fight. Let’s just bomb MSG.


Bombs are the only thing we can do now.

9:32pm – BECAUSE THEY NEEDED A POWER PLAY. Fuck it. Whatever. We don’t even care. We’re going to go drink some more, because check the rules. We shit the bed. We need to drink even more.

We might be out later to greet the fans.

If you just found us through this, watch us or bookmark us. Stay in touch. We love you.


About Zoë

from Fayette County, living in Boston, chronically fussy. Writing about the Penguins, the CWHL/women's hockey, and hockey/sports media criticism.