The Phil Kessel Campaign for Real Beauty

Yeah, we're starting this. Poor Phil Kessel.  We realize all of this jabbing at his not-exactly-GQ-model-like brand of manliness is out of love, but we think this is starting to get out of control.  See: this list from the Buzzfeed Community. Speculation: the Team USA Shop doesn't make Phil Kessel shirts widely available because he […]

AMERICA BEST

Yesterday sucked.  Boys and ladies didn't get us shit. The United States of America Hockey Program and TJ Oshie took care of us.

are you ready?

Set your alarms because tomorrow morning is pretty much the only game, no matter how much you love women's hockey in general, that matters on an international stage.  USA vs. Canada, 7:30AM EST. Canada is the traditional powerhouse and they have not yet allowed a goal in this tournament–because they have yet to face the […]

last slow dance

This game is obviously more or less overshadowed by the upcoming Olympics and the tragic news that Kris Letang had suffered a stroke.  Some shrill demon sang the anthem, a non-Jimerson interloper.  Let's just get this over with and go out with a bang so we can focus on shit like human rights violations and […]

recommended reading about Sochi that isn’t about the toilets or shitty hotels

it is no secret that we love the Olympics.  Let's get that out of the way.  It's probably the only time that in our heart of hearts we feel that patriotism is appropriate, because at its best, the Olympics should be a celebration of the world and a positive cultural exchange, founded upon the idea […]

into the atmosphere.

Who’s that cruising at the bottom of the Atlantic, flopping around in pain occasionally, but mostly just silently swaying like a soggy corpse with concrete shoes? Why, it’s the Sabres, of course! Sometimes teams wake up and grab at your ankles, zombie like, while you are wading around feeling safe. It’s always a possibility that […]

soultaker

No idea what to say to begin this game.  We hate the Sens.  Everyone knows that.  All these games before the Olympic break have a background-level fever pitch.  We're just waiting to see how big of a trainwreck Sochi is going to be.  The Super Bowl already set the month of February 2014 underneath a […]

return of the muskrats.

So sorry to keep you waiting, bitches. So last night things didn't go so great for the Penguins. It was a game wherein we just could have done better. But none of that really matters…what matters is that we take time to remember that the "Phoenix Coyotes" are a sham team. Ever since PH Staff bought […]

frozen treats.

If you thought tonight’s game was boring as shit, you clearly weren’t watching close enough. Had you looked a little harder, you would have realized that the entire event was a simulation, organized by the league because Sidney Crosby “really wasn’t feeling it” and Kris Kunitz “needed some rum raisin” or he was “literally going […]

sending out an SOS

Life is fucking impossible so I am joining this game late (with about 6 minutes left in the first) and realizing that I did just in time.  So let’s. . . MOST FAILED BILDUNGSROMAN Odd poetic justice in Olli Maatta taking a holding penalty and Sergei Fucking Gonchar scoring on the Ultimate Gonch Blast from […]

sd;fjasdlkjfha;, and other eloquent words for emotions.

Games like this are the kind you have to strap in for, stiff drink in hand. Playing the Isles most likely means a high scoring game and maybe a fight or two. They’re fun games, in that annoying oh-my-god-I-can’t-breathe sort of way. Tavares is a monster, tbqh, and Okposo is probably all weepy about being […]

this blood is our own

Time to start a new win streak at home, assholes.  Though let’s be honest, we will literally never get used to Ryan Mill saying “Pangggwinnns.”  Still in our house.  Bobby between the benches.  Michel Therrien still the Habs’ big boss man.  And Jeff Jimerson IN HIS FUCKING ELEMENT.  It just isn’t hard to get it […]

box of spiders.

Sometimes disasters happen. Disasters are slightly more likely to occur when your team has only played one game in eight days, or when you trust unlicensed dental practitioners. Luckily only one of those were our problem today. Choose your disasters wisely.  We don't really think it's fair to give out awards on such an evening – […]

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