we don’t get embarrassed anymore

Pens played a response game against New Jersey tonight. If ever there was a seed of doubt, we buried it and willed it to be a mother fucking olive tree or something equally elegant. The Sens are trash, the Devils are almost just as bad. Pens need to play well against any team, obviously, but […]

never gonna be free

This is a hot mess and we’re not dealing with it. Anthem singer killed a baby before the game. Bank on it. The great Brad Thiessen had a strug. Sid had some goal. Things looked good until the Sens shat on the Universe. But never you mind. Good teams recover from days like this. Go […]

o hai preds

Okay, I know awards shows have been scarce as of late. But really?Is it necessary in games like this?How about the award goes to the entire team? Oh wait wrong team pic.Hold on…OH LOL SORRY AGAINHere it is…OH LOLS GODDAMNIT WHERE IS THAT PHOTO?I guess we’ll have to wait a few months for the photo to […]

pittsburgh penguins versus the winnipeg jets: ruminations

The Winnipeg Jets will eternally remind us of the early-mid 1990’s when everything was topsy turvy and strange in the world. We still stand by the fact that the current Winnipeg Jets are a strange trick being played on us by the space-time continuum. Perhaps we can break this curse by comparing all 12 goals […]


It can’t all be singing and laughing and drinking the blood of our enemies out of a golden chalice while 80s music plays on a continuous loop in the background.  No, not like the blood of Christ. This involves no symbolism. Bitches be literal. Sometimes bad shit happens in the midst of awesome things, like […]

beautiful monsters

We all know the Kafkaesque terror that comes out of playing in New Jersey. Well, someone must have given it tuberculosis because it didn’t show up. The Penguins have won 11 straight. This game had its painful little hiccups. Crosby still hasn’t scored; maybe we should trade him. I mean he is kind of too […]

who do we even think we are

Oh, you know, the team beating up on the Rangers. If the Rangers have been playing like this all season we have no idea who they’re beating. Like Atlantapeg? The Bruins? Sad times for the Bruins right now, too, btw. By the end of this game the Rangers just looked frigging demoralized and it had […]


Okay.First of all, thanks for the emails and tweets and stuff. It reminds us that people like us. We didn’t pause due to drama or anything, we’re just real people and this happens to be a busy season. That said, your requests that we keep on keepin’ on reminded us of an obligation.Some bloggers think […]

oh hai

We will return to our regularly scheduled broadcast in due course. Don’t Panic. Does anyone read our blog anymore anyway? Man, we suck. Love, Zoë, Kimberly, and Mary.

we have to be 100% honest right now

We didn’t watch the Leafs game last night. We were eating bone marrow at Meat & Potatoes, which is located at Penn Ave and 7th. We imagine that this is actually a lot like what the Leafs game was. Chewing on and reveling in the fat. This photo courtesy of Ted H. on Yelp. We […]


moments of excellence

Hello, friends. I was all set to recap this game in the normal way, but I spent the whole night laid up on the couch feeling pukey. In lieu of a real recap, I give you a single picture that conveys everything you need to know about this game: Yeah. It was pretty much like […]


frosty mountain refreshment

Hello, friends. Once again, it’s time for my favorite matchup ever. My current favorite team against my previous favorite team? I CANNOT BE SAD ABOUT THE OUTCOME OF THIS GAME! As always, before every Pens/Avs game, I give you… MARY’S MOM’S PREGAME COMMENTARY “Matt Duchene is over an injury and started to score again, which […]


which is apparently located in Texas. Look it up in your Rand-McNally atlas if you have any goddamn questions. MOMENT ABSOLUTELY EVERYTHING FELL APART Nystrom at the very least with an unfortunate and careless play on Kris Letang. Letang didn’t come back. This seems to cloud the rest of the evening, to be perfectly honest, […]


we hate to say this but

Did Steve Mason start killing prostitutes because apparently he sucks now and Curtis Sanford’s balls are as big as Brent Johnson’s last season. Who designed that background texture on the CBJ site?  Really?Editor’s note: Sanford had been hurt for ages so that’s why they were starting Stevey.  Our bad.  They had a reason.Stevey, we hope […]

getting uppity.

Unreal.Seriously, when we said that we knew this game was going to be less of a perfection show than the last, we had no real idea what we were saying. I still think it was correct – this wasn’t pedigree, this was just a crazy blowout. This was sticking it to someone. This was making […]