not just yet.

Hockey brings out the best and the worst in us as people. Screaming ARE YOU FUCKING KIDDING ME at the television every five minutes in either elation or rage definitely has some effects on our personal lives. Our families think we're insane, our roommates want us to gtfo, and for whatever reason (that obv does […]

takeaways from this game, during which our lives became a maelstrom of fuckup

The Pens refuse to clinch a playoff spot.  They are just not that into it.  They heard about it once, but put it in a bookmarks subfolder and forgot about it. Pyatt scored? Malkin is hurt, probably until at least the playoffs.  We can’t.  We’re done. Our main site is moving to WordPress tomorrow, so […]


Do you ever just want to hug a goalie? If you didn’t want to hug some goalies after this game, we don’t know who you are or what you are doing. But seriously who the hell are you and what the fuck are you doing?  Typical game against the Blues – bogged down, limited clean […]

are you afraid of the deep dark woods?

This is an opportunity to feel normal again. Oddly it seems as though we are back in the appropriate iteration of our Universe.  Win or lose, this one counts. LEAST SIGNIFICANT Ryan Malone went to hit Bortuzzo early and Bortuzzo turned away and put himself in a dangerous situation.  Nothing bad happened but it's still […]

caw caw motherfuckers

For what we can only assume are deeply occult reasons, the Red Wings requested that the Pens wear their home jerseys at the game tonight. The Big Bang was basically just proven, so you know, obviously this is all taking place in an alternate universe that is space and time’s deepest tire fire.  So what […]

something something blood and ball sweat

A child joins the Penguins for the anthems from a team called the Butler Valley Dawgs, and all seems relatively right with the world, i.e. we are not playing the Flyers.  Also James Neal and Chris Kunitz are back with us.  And Zatkoff is in net.  Somehow we feel oddly calm. First we have to […]

not friends

Dad Shero is being honored by the Flyers before the game, but oddly they didn't thank him for bringing us Rejean and a legacy of poor defenseman drafting!!!!!! okay enough with the trolljob god Flyers games are always nasty.  We may never hate them like we hate the Red Wings or the Capitals or, you […]

pens for lsd.

The Penguins need to take tonight to prove to the universe that they can still dominate puck possession some of the time, maybe, if they feel like it. We know there are nights when Sid had a headache or Malks has just been really stressed at work or Kunitz was way too sore from that […]

which way is upstairs?

Okay you'll have to forgive me.  This is the second time that I've missed part of the first period because I literally had no idea what time it was.  This time it was important though.  I was giving my cat a bath. And I also managed to miss three fucking goals?  What universe is this? […]

in case you missed it: that Say Yes to the Dress episode

Obviously, I saw it as my civic duty to seek out this episode and watch it in full.  Jennifer Bullano, the director of communications/PR for the Pittsburgh Penguins, appears in the second half.  If you are a scholar of TLC's Say Yes to the Dress, you'll know that each half of each episode has a loose […]

please keep all limbs and extremities inside the vehicle

THIS RECAP IS SUPER LATE BECAUSE THE PLACE WHERE WE USUALLY GET PHOTOS WAS BROKEN AND ALSO MY MIND DIED.  enjoy I'm a massive asshole and totally didn't even notice the time.  Somehow, by the time I tuned into the game at 10:19PM, the game already had two goals.  And then Glass fought someone named […]

isn’t it past your bedtime?

Late night hockey can be trying for us poor east coast bastards. We swap out our liquor for coffee with liquor and pray that our poor little souls can keep it together late enough to follow what is happening on the ice. Petition to transport all east coast fans to the west coast for games […]

trade deadline recap (with kittens)

The Penguins acquired (wait for it) (as if you don't already know) Lee Stempniak and Marcel Goc. Stempniak in Calgary the last few seasons:   Obviously Calgary is trash, but what stands out to us is his relatively high amount of ice time over the last few seasons.  If he can be counted on to […]

now we have to deal with this shit.

Signs that tonight’s game will be interesting, if not a little grating: – Stress about tomorrow is at fever pitch. We’ll spare you the speculation. It’s plentiful elsewhere and makes us want to rip our chest cavities open. – Before puck drop, Steiggy and Bobby both have used the term “Smashville” several times. Can we not.- […]

on your mark, get set, terrible.

On a typical game night the media struggles to provide us with photos of the actual goals that take place. Not so for the Stadium Series – the media shitriver can’t wait to wash these gemstones ashore.  While it would be fun to throw shade at the Stadium Series all day, we can’t waste our […]