I have a cab coming for me at 3:45AM to take me to the airport so I can go home to Pittsburgh so I really don't have time for this shit. Sorry. You just get my liveblog, unedited, with bells on.
The original title of this post, before the Pens tied it, was "give thanks: all your friends are dead inside."
Here's what happened:
The Pens began the game by being injured as fuck. Paul Martin and Tanner Glass and Beau Bennett and Rob Scuderi are all super hurt. Pens recalled like Andrew Ebbett and Chris Conner.
Conner got the first goal of the game, then the Leafs scored twice pretty quick afterwards, but things didn't seem Urgent.
Then they came out for the second period and pooped all over themselves. Largely due to Kris Letang. We should have seen this coming. The Leafs scored right out of the gate. Fleury got pulled and was banging his stick against everything and then went to the locker room to axe murder a dream and a fairy tale.
Then we put Zatkoff in and they score on him. No chance. Letang passed to a Toronto player in the slot.
Malkin has clearly had enough of this shit because the Pens get a power play and he actually rockets one of those absolutely nasty perfect shots. So it's 4-2. If nothing happens the rest of the night we don't look totally embarrassed and covered in our own vomit. Letang gets an assist on the Malkin goal, serving up the antithesis of poetic justice, wreathed in flames.
OH GOD MAYBE I DO HAVE TIME FOR THIS SHIT: THE MOVIE
Gene comes out flying after the goal, Malkin is out with Sutter for some reason and crashes the net on Bernier.
Malkin apparently moved the puck towards the net with a high stick and it went in off of Bernier but that apparently doesn't count. So there's the wind out of your sails. BUT FOR A MOMENT WE WERE SO CLOSE
Pens get another PPG. Letang shoots from the point i.e. the easiest thing in the world for Kris Letang to do and Kunitz deflects it? Maybe. 4-3, finally.
Pens turn it over with like three seconds left in the second period and Bozak cashes in. Zatkoff played the puck very strangely making a pad save. Well. 5-3
THIRD PERIOD TEAM?
Pens are continuing the trend of getting unlimited PPs and honestly we're not used to anything happening. But Malkin and his bff James Neal being reunited and clicking does count for something.
Neal rockets one on the 5-on-3 and it feels real. Malkin immediately takes a penalty. And then exits the box, gets involved in the play 2 minutes later–and has yet another goal. MY WORD>
The Penguins really like to wave their dicks in my face when I'm being a bitter hag. It helps.
Overtime was cool.
But it went to shootout.
Jokinen first. He kinda stopped up. Didn't go wide, which was very unlike him. Bernier saves.
Bozak next. Zatkoff was having none of his rancid shit.
AAAHHHH BERNIER TRIED TO POKECHECK CROSBY AND CROSBY TOTALLY IGNORED HIM AND MADE IT HAPPEN 1-0
Zatkoff dick-whipped David Clarkson.
Malkin has a chance to finish it, and he scores. No question. He wasn't going to miss. You knew it.
This game kind of reminds us of that Tampa Bay game from 2009. You know, The One. right before Therrien got fired and Gene was busy taking over the world with his perfect hands.
we just love Gene. He wears his heart on his sleeve like no other. When it pays off it's like getting knocked up in a '67 Cadillac.
I need to finish packing so when I fly over Pittsburgh tomorrow I can blow it kisses and drool on it and ask it to be my new dad
THE PRESS DROPPED THE BALL IT IS ALMOST 11PM AND THERE ARE NO PHOTOS ONLINE OF ANYTHING EXCEPT LEAFS SCORING JEEZ
hahahahhaah fuck you