like a real fuckin cheap cigar

It's like if you drink enough and squint at the Pens app on your preferred smartphone OS and think "maybe we won this one"?  *squint squint* maybe I can transpose the 4 and the 3?  Maybe if you squint REALLY FUCKING HARD. MOST DECEPTIVE OFFENSE   After quite a bit of back and forth, the […]


Really there’s one award to give out tonight and it goes to Giguere. No offence to all the ballers that we love so much.[[MORE]] The Avs really aren’t that great and on another night when Gigs wasn’t standing on his head, we coulda done it. Especially with MAF holding up his end of the bargain […]

not at the kids’ table

The Canucks haven't been to Pittsburgh in like three years and let's be honest, we didn't miss them.  Excuse us while we giggle derisively into our coffee because yes, it's still coffee territory at 1pm.  Steiggy kept calling the Canucks one of the most successful franchises of recent years.  If you mean that the way […]

first things first i’ll eat your brains.

Facing the Flyers is always the opportunity to experience freely horrible sportsmanship. If you win, ahahaha, hilarious! The Flyers! What a buncha idiots! If you lose, whatever, shut up, thugs, you live in a dying city, go get mugged, and also as a side note, you are fat. We don't make it a secret that […]

phonin’ it in.

Let’s get real here for a quick sec and admit that the Oilers are useless. They are storied enough that we have to pretend to care but boring and far away enough that we just don’t. It’s a good night for getting drunk and screaming like a lunatic at the ice. Cheers. While we’re being […]

lids for sid, and other bad rhymes.

We’re never sure if we’re in Florida to play the Bolts or to take a gander at brother Steven’s watch collection, but tonight we were pretty sure it’s for hockey. Still, if Stamkos starts whispering to you just tell him No I Am Not Interested unless you want to spend your evening listening to him […]

the beast and the picnic

It's a Staal night.  Canes games might be the worst games, other than Sabres games, which is odd because there's so much circus theater to love.  We blame Chad LaRose.  I basically made dinner in like 10 minutes before the game so let's dive right in because I'm on 3 hours of sleep and Cam […]

“the actual worst”

Like going to the Uniontown Mall on Friday night and accidentally parking by the entrance with the Beanery, the Sabres are kind of the actual worst ever. They've scored one goal so far this season.  They're basically mall goths.  I kind of dare you to go to their roster page and not get unreasonably depressed […]

who dat flower.

The Devils.Really?No one wants to throw us a bone over here to help us get jazzed up for this season. If you’re sick of hearing us whine about it, don’t worry, so are we. It may not be the most exciting season opener of all time but maybe something during this game – be it a […]

the season starts tonight, we have no lifeboats

Listen, this summer has been dark as fuck, and tonight it ends. There's really no way we can put into words the Feelings we've been dealing with and how we really didn't even expect hockey to come back in our hearts (maybe it's the whole baseball bandwagon thing or the lingering sense of doubt from […]

make it rain

The season starts on Thursday.  Finally, during the last preseason game, we saw the Pens play well.  It felt like a lifetime since we had seen a Pens win that didn't come with the metallic taste of blood in our mouths and a bucketful of infant tears.  But it happened.  It was real.  It was […]


The fuck. Sorry. Here was our post about that time we beat someone in the preseason. Then, afterwards, we beat someone else. In a god damn shootout. For the final game of the preseason, we will play Detroit again. Snoozefest. Maybe we can beat them in regulation. Maybe we’ll beat someone in regulation by Thanksgiving!! […]

preseasonal affective disorder

  Zoe and I are well aware that it's taking us a little bit longer than usual to get to it this season. Existential crises aside, it's hard to get it up for preseason after the showing we had in the playoffs last season. Preseason barely matters – sure it's important for the lil' guys […]


Really, we feel you can define the whole season by the nonsense at the trade deadline, because that's how everyone is going to define it, and that's what ultimately built the team that we got for the playoffs–the team we were "ride and die" with til the bitter end. We have to wonder how much […]