Things seem to be…not awful. Which is an assertion none of us would have made weeks ago, so we’ll take it as a positive sign. The game tonight was a mix bag, but at least this time it was more of a Halloween bag of fun-sized chocolate mixed in with peppermints and pennies, rather than a paper bag filled with scorpions and vials of anti-venom.
The news of the night is Brooks Orpik being returned to us by the shadow lord for one period only in exchange for our childlike wonder and ability to remember how to do algebra. After the first he was whisked back into the night, no word to be had about what we’ll have to trade next time.
Who the serious fuck took this picture? It’s like a reenactment of the last time Brooks was seen in 1984 before his pickup truck was found on the side of the highway, his belongings still safely on the passenger seat, and he was never seen again. OMINOUS AS FUCK. Stop it plz.
FIRST PERIOD: HUNGRY LIKE WE’D FORGOTTEN TO EAT OUR AFTERNOON SNACK
The period started out great with the Pens pretty tightly in control. It looked like they were after something, and our guts tell us it was their celery and peanut butter.
Fortunately we seem to get the necessary snacks – Malkin gets a fancy-ass backhander past Lundqvist after snatching up a deflection from a botch-job pass Crosby tried to get to Kunitz. Everyone involved was pretty horseshit, but Malkin found a way to make it golden.
Unfortunately, like most kids after snack time, the Penguins get sleepy and start babbling nonsense about princess moonbeam and her magical mice friends. Two powerplays crop up and disappear just as quickly. The Rags get one, and it’s snakebit by intermission.
PERIOD TWO: WAIT WHAT ARE WE SUPPOSED TO DO, AGAIN?
The second period made our palms sweat. Brooks, who had done well in the first period, is once again mysteriously gone.
The Rags get on the board after Nisky and Scuds starting doing something that was clearly between them and God, because we can’t for the life of us figure it out. Nisky seemed to be trying to jump ship and Scuds was testing how comfortable the ice was as though it were going to be installed in his master bedroom next weekend.
And if we didn’t know what Scuds and Nisky were doing on that play, lord help us find the logic behind what Fattie Nash did later on in the period. First he gives up the sloppiest turnover in the world, allowing Gibbons to have the best time of his life on a breakaway. Meanwhile, Fattie is LITERALLY LAYING ON THE ICE LIKE A FUCKING FISH IN A COOLER. Gibbons doesn’t get it past Lundqvist, but Sutter is right there to pick it up and put it home.
If Fattie Nash keeps playing like that we may invite him over to eat some Doritos and play Titanfall. It’ll be like the good ol’ days.
THIRD PERIOD: ON A WING AND A PRAYER
First and foremost, it’d be really great if we could get some full time body guards for Sid. We’re not talking enforcers – we mean armed members of the secret service waiting in the arena rafters. After Sid attempted a wraparound, Staal came at him with an elbow that was a little high for everyone’s tastes. Luckily Crosby seemed to maneuver away from taking it to the head. We’re confused by Staal’s motivations – have you seen Sid in this series? Is that really necessary?
As retribution, Jokinen gets a puck in off of Staal’s skate. Ahhhahaha. Haa. *wipes tear*
That’s an 8 game streak, for those of you keeping score at home.
Zuccarello tries to keep the game close by getting an unarguably nice shot past MAF, who really should have kept that one out. Luckily the Penguins get it back just over a minute later with a Sid-to-Malkin-Malkin-to-Kunitz move we’ve been craving so, so hard.
And once again, we manage to pull off a win.
Better than it’s been, worse than it’s been, but at least it looks like we’re willing to play some hockey at long last.
The Penguins seem to have something that they want to tell us. It’s muffled and unclear but the message is starting to come through, and we’re willing to listen.
Go to bed, there’s more to come soon.